My BELOVED

As a little girl I would day dream often. I was the little girl who LOVED Barbie dolls. I would play for hours and hours combing their hair and picking out perfect cloths. My grandparents blessed my sister and me with a Barbie house and car. The Barbie house was pink and had three stories. This Barbie dream house made me think of being in my own dream home one day. Yes, at 8 years old I daydreamed of marriage. I dreamed of marriage because I wanted my knight in shining armor. I am a romantic so I longed for a strong, charming man to take me away on his white horse to a life that was better than my own. Broken, I wanted someone perfect to come into my life and make me whole. So my ideal men kept me. This image of a man who would LOVE me in spite of my flaws lived in my daydreams night and day. It was not until I was 25 I realized this image does not exist! Can you imagine the 8 year old girl inside me screaming?

 

From pain to distant I went. I paid no attention to men. I became bitter and completely shut off. Although I was not aware I was in this stage in my life, because I called it "being independent". I would often say "I don't need a man". How many times have you heard that line? Hell, how many times have you said it? Being independent means not needing anyone. I pride myself on being able to take care of myself. My grandparents raised me to do so. What I was not taught was it is ok to need someone. Being vulnerable is not a weakness, but the only true way to fully experience LOVE.

 

It was not my grandparents fault for not teaching me a balance views of LOVE because they are a product of what they were taught. We all are. What we have to do is figure out are we being the authors of our own LOVE story or are we allowing others to write our pages? Up to this point in my life everyone wrote my pages. I said nothing when the countless of people told me this is who I needed to be to be LOVED. I strived to be perfect, to have it all together only to realize no one does. By me seeking perfection in myself I also sought that in my mate. Going on that path I would be lost forever.

 

Finding my path to LOVE has taken much needed heart to hearts with myself. What I come to realize is my soul craves someone I can depend on. My soul craves a connection to someone so deep it is a spiritual one. No more fear of being vulnerable. Yes, I do need a man. I was created to need a man and embracing that fact has set me free. The myth that you have to neglect yourself for another is not true! In order to truly be a great partner you have to be fully present. You have to be aware and accountable. If you neglect yourself how you can have a functional healthy relationship?

 

Every day I look forward to going to facebook because I get what is called "A message from GOD". I eagerly click on the link waiting to see what GOD has to say. The joy comes from knowing that there is a word from GOD that was just for me. Two weeks ago I received a message that said "On this day GOD wants you to know that your deepest connection to God is through your beloved". This message set me free, the last quarter of this year my heart has shifted towards meeting my BELOVED. GOD told me in order to have a closer relationship with HIM I have to open my heart to someone else. Breathe. What a word. Do you understand what GOD is saying? Our very nature is LOVE, connection, bonding, prayer, letting go, and opening up to our mates. When we are in that space we are opening a place in our hearts for GOD!

 

Think of that 8 year old girl who longed for her knight and shining armor to save her from herself. A man who would get on one knee and say "you my BELOVED is all I want". Hearing there is no such thing as happy ever after I gave up on LOVE. My heart became hard. My mind became limited. My vision became blurred. Not knowing what to do, I did what I knew how, prayed! GOD said you need to let go! You need to go back to that little girl who craved LOVE for nothing else other than the joy of having a connection with another person. As that little girl I was free, open and honest. You could see my passion for life in my face. That little girl is back! As I write my own chapters I believe in a happy ever after. That's right I said it! This is my story remember? My happy ever after will be with the man who dances with me as we go through life's ups and downs. He will hold my hand and make me laugh. He will let me cry and be there if I just need a hug. He does not have to be perfect at all. He just has to know GOD. And through knowing GOD my future BELOVED has a better relationship with me. And I will have a closer relationship with my first BELOVED. That is GOD.