I have a confession. My whole life my breast have been my biggest insecurity. Every time I passed a mirror I would cringe at my reflection. This is difficult to admit because I am afraid to come off as weak. Image plays a large part of what we think of ourselves and I am aware of this truth. What I have learned is everyone has an issue with something concerning their body. The desire to “LOVE me for me” inspired me to embrace myself as I was although my breasts were a burden on me in many ways. To look at ourselves honestly can be a very painful experience.
I managed to find peace with my breast. Actually more like “fake it until you make it” because I hated them! Yes, I hated them! My breast put me at a size 18/20, but my pants size is a 14!! This is the pain that is hard to explain. The challenge of shopping takes its toll on you. I am 16 looking like a middle age 50 year old because I could not find clothes in my size! Then the comments and looks people would give me made feel very low. I did not want to be notice because I knew what people were thinking when they seen me. I know you’re probably thinking it’s just my insecurity and that could very well be true. My insecurity of my breast kept me from dating, being the first to walk into any party, hell even the first to walk into a movie theater. I had to talk myself into being confident. The “fake it until you make it” became too draining and I desired to really LOVE who I saw when I looked in the mirror.
I built my life around being safe. From the time when I was 12 and pulled myself out of the talent show when I realized the boys just watched me dance to see my breast jump up and down. I am a great dancer actually. Only a handful of people know this about me to this day! I carried years of pain, embarrassment and living under my potential my whole life. I was great about making goals for school or my next five year plan on my life. But interacting with a table full of men, not so much! That 14 year old girl whose crush said he did not like me because “her breasts are too big” plays over and over in my head. Unless you have lived it, it is difficult to understand. If you have or had large breast than I know you’re nodding your head in agreement. It’s okay to admit our pain and shortcomings. My pain I carried for twenty years and I thank GOD it is my burden no more!
Moving to DC my life has changed in multiple ways. I believe that where GOD wants
you to be is where your blessings are! A month ago I went under the knife. With my twin sister by my side I found the courage to follow my heart. Tears going down my eyes I thought about years and years of dreaming of this moment and it were finally happened. My life was changing and I was at peace! Weeks of healing has given me time to reflect. Looking in the mirror I feel connected! This is the person I saw in my dreams at 14 years old. After years and years of hating what I saw in the mirror, I had an aha moment! I realized I no longer wanted to look like anyone else; I just wanted to be a better version of me! To see yourself and LOVE what you see is a gift everyone ought to have. Finally I have that. My inner vixen has come alive and I am no longer afraid to express who I am. I feel sexy, sensual, beautiful and complete. Embrace your light! Let LOVE guide your path to a better fulfilled you and watch your life transform!!
Aww Natasha you are beautiful either way. I am glad you did what you felt was necessary to make yourself comfortable. :D
ReplyDelete*Natasha
ReplyDeleteAwww...LOVE you Steph! Thank you so much. I know I was, but they were such a burden on me. My breast were always a "thing" you know? I want people it's okay to want to be your best and not settle. Thank you for the support.
jBlessings...
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, not because you had them reduced but because you have found inner peace and confidence.
There is so much i can say here but I'll save you the platitudes cause it matters not what i say rather what you lived and how you felt.Needless to say I can say this, We all have something girl that is the nature of the beast.
I understand you well and the experiences you feel and how you felt, I've walked that road myself though (still do in many ways) not about the breast but other things along the same lines. Living in this society is such a contridiction, challenge and yes a burden. People can be brutal and judgmental and as children when we are subject to those things unfortunately it distorts the way we see oursleves and our self-esteem and worth suffers due to internalization of the toxicity that surrounds.
I sure your happiness.
ON ANOTHER NOTE:
Girl you a twin? Sweet!
*Natasha
ReplyDeleteJ!!! So good to have you around:) Thank you very much! I went out last night for the first time since my surgery and I never have been so confident. I know I always looked good but I am even better now! To finally be that girl that get men to turn their heads makes me feel good.
It is a power walk. Having the courage to admit a weakness and then to work on it has transformed me. I pray you find the courage to confront what does not bring you your best in your life. We work so much on the Spiritual we forget we have a body too:)
GOD bless as always sis! Much LOVE and gratitude to you. And yes I have a twin, she is my best friend!