My Transformation (Journey to breast reduction)

I have a confession. My whole life my breast have been my biggest insecurity. Every time I passed a mirror I would cringe at my reflection. This is difficult to admit because I am afraid to come off as weak. Image plays a large part of what we think of ourselves and I am aware of this truth. What I have learned is everyone has an issue with something concerning their body. The desire to “LOVE me for me” inspired me to embrace myself as I was although my breasts were a burden on me in many ways. To look at ourselves honestly can be a very painful experience.

I managed to find peace with my breast. Actually more like “fake it until you make it” because I hated them! Yes, I hated them! My breast put me at a size 18/20, but my pants size is a 14!! This is the pain that is hard to explain. The challenge of shopping takes its toll on you. I am 16 looking like a middle age 50 year old because I could not find clothes in my size! Then the comments and looks people would give me made feel very low. I did not want to be notice because I knew what people were thinking when they seen me. I know you’re probably thinking it’s just my insecurity and that could very well be true. My insecurity of my breast kept me from dating, being the first to walk into any party, hell even the first to walk into a movie theater. I had to talk myself into being confident. The “fake it until you make it” became too draining and I desired to really LOVE who I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I built my life around being safe. From the time when I was 12 and pulled myself out of the talent show when I realized the boys just watched me dance to see my breast jump up and down. I am a great dancer actually. Only a handful of people know this about me to this day! I carried years of pain, embarrassment and living under my potential my whole life. I was great about making goals for school or my next five year plan on my life. But interacting with a table full of men, not so much! That 14 year old girl whose crush said he did not like me because “her breasts are too big” plays over and over in my head. Unless you have lived it, it is difficult to understand. If you have or had large breast than I know you’re nodding your head in agreement. It’s okay to admit our pain and shortcomings. My pain I carried for twenty years and I thank GOD it is my burden no more!


Moving to DC my life has changed in multiple ways. I believe that where GOD wants
you to be is where your blessings are! A month ago I went under the knife. With my twin sister by my side I found the courage to follow my heart. Tears going down my eyes I thought about years and years of dreaming of this moment and it were finally happened. My life was changing and I was at peace! Weeks of healing has given me time to reflect. Looking in the mirror I feel connected! This is the person I saw in my dreams at 14 years old. After years and years of hating what I saw in the mirror, I had an aha moment! I realized I no longer wanted to look like anyone else; I just wanted to be a better version of me! To see yourself and LOVE what you see is a gift everyone ought to have. Finally I have that. My inner vixen has come alive and I am no longer afraid to express who I am. I feel sexy, sensual, beautiful and complete. Embrace your light! Let LOVE guide your path to a better fulfilled you and watch your life transform!!

Happy Father's Day!

Today I honor the men in my life. I did not have the traditional up bringing in the sense of mother and father in the home. Most people talk about dead beat dad's but I had a dead beat mom, which is another blog discussion. My grandparents raised me from the day I left the hospital until today! I am still their baby. My grandfather was old school. He did not work when our family moved to Oklahoma from my hometown of Cali for five years. We lived off of his retirement checks. I remember my father volunteering in my classroom. Helping my teacher in the computer and math labs. Although he was extra tough on me, I understand what he was doing. Anytime my siblings and I were in trouble in school my grandfather would drop everything and head up to the school. We knew not to get out of line because my grandfather was no joke! He would walk up and down the neighborhood looking for us when we would be out after curfew. Did I mention he was no joke? My grandfather was not perfect, he was real. He would get up and take me home on the weekends when I was homesick in college. I am truly grateful for him in my life. He raised me when my father was not able to do so.


My brother has been through it in the past few years. My nephew has cancer. Yes, he is only 7 years old. The anger, pain that my brother feels on a daily basis is understandable. But he never complains. When he cries I wish I could do something for my little brother. I can't imagine his pain. See we did not have our biological fathers in our lives. They came in and out. You can't tell that my brother was failed by the men in his life, not by how he raises his kids. He proves you can still be a great father if there were no good examples of what that is! To say I am proud of him would be an understatement. My brother not only is the ONLY provider for his family, he is devoted to being active in their life as well. He is not just a father, but a husband. I was concerned when he married young, I knew it would be challenging for him. But my brother has met and surpassed all the challenges that have come into his life. GOD bless him!


My uncle Kirk told me that he remembers where he was when I was born. He said he was in the 10th grade and someone said over the speaker in the classroom, your nieces was born today. He told me he was so happy his nieecs were born. When he told me that I felt LOVED. He celebrated my life. When my father was on drugs my uncle would fill in for him when I would visit my family in New York. My uncle would spend time with my sister and I. He took us and his family to cannda to Marine Land. I will never forget that. He took us riding around on his motorcycle in his backyard. I was scared to death lol. I LOVED staying at my uncles house because he would give me the attention I was not used to at home. My aunt and cousins equally showed us LOVE. They were just reflecting who my uncle was as a person. A true example of LOVE.


My father is active in my life today. When we talk now that he is sober, so we have meaningful conversations. For many black women this is not a reality. Often our communities are filled with absent fathers. The effects of that is evident everyday when we look at inner city communities. To say that we NEED fathers in the home is putting it lightly. The other day when I went to footlock a brotha who works there told me this: When a mother is saved in the home 18% of the family is saved, when the father is saved 90% is saved. WOW! I no longer say I don't need a man. The devil is a lie!!! I NEED my father and I am grateful he is fully present in my life. There are fathers who are in the home but not fully present. We need active fathers who can give their children the LOVE they crave. At 32 I am still that little girl who gets excited to talk to my dad. I told my father how I am tired of being given a hard time for being single. He told me that my life is separate. I am living for GOD which means my life will not look life most people. He went on to say I am not missing nothing. Know that when GOD is ready for you to be with someone he will send him. Until then, keep doing what you doing. All my anxiety, fear, confusion, and pain left at once. I then realized the importance of having my father in my life.

For years I said I was ok not having my father in my life. I told everyone that my grandparents made up for the lost. The truth is no one can make up for the lost of your father. I feared men, I secreting resented them too. Angry for being abandoned and not feeling good enough. I have been blessed with many great men who would act as a father in my life. They gave me what I need. For the men who step in as fathers to children that are not theirs GOD bless you today. To the men in my life that showed me unconditional LOVE, I thank you. Most of all to my heavenly father for restoring my soul and helping find my path to LOVE.

Slow Down:Finding balance within!

Ok, so this season in my life I have been asking myself alot of questions. My soul's desire is to have balance in my life. So the new me is living with purpose and intent. So everything I do my soul desire is for it to have meaning. The reason is for me to add something positive to my life and bring the balance my soul craves.

In the past several years it seems everyone is an expert about something. So I have read standpoints from one extreme to the next. My goal is trying to find the right balance between the two. But the real goal is to find what is it that my heart desires? What is it that GOD is telling me to do? With so much advice I feel my head is spinning at times LOL. In the scriputers it says to be still in the mist of choas and confusion so you can hear the voice of GOD. So that's what I did. After reading so many articles, books and getting advice from many I learned the best answer comes from within!

I am a 32 year old virgin. Typing that makes me feel proud. We live in a time where everything is satuarated. Nothing is pure! Our bodies are dumping grounds for the quickest and easiest ways for cooking, losing weight, gaining weight, and getting pregnant! Now we are finding quick ways to fall in LOVE, and getting new jobs. Driving down the street, who drives the speed limit anymore? No wonder we have a hard time relating to others because we are detached from ourselves. We are so far detached from what GOD created us to be. In his image! I am not going to lecture whats good vs. evil. That's not the point. My point is simple, we expect long lasting results with less discipline to get it! How about those of us striving to loose unwanted pounds? We want 50 pounds to come off in four months and it took our whole or most of our lives to gain the weight! In order for us to get the lives our soul craves we must slow down!

The art of balance takes going within. Finding a voice inside ourselves that speaks to us in our darkest hour. I call that voice the Holy Spirit. When I hear the Holy Spirit speak to me I listen to see what GOD wants me to know. The tough part is it's not always what you want to hear, but it is nessary if you want to have the life your soul desires. Instead of always getting on the phone to call someone pray first! Write in a jornal or go for a walk. Mediate or sit still for at least five minutes. What is your soul asking of you? What is your soul asking for you to fulfill this life time? Clarity is inside of us all, but we must be willing to seek it. Imagine a life free of drama! Everyone around us is going mad and you are at peace. Woooo saaiii:) GOD says this is what he can give us if we only welcome him in!