October 23rd I turned 33 years old. Shout out to all my Scorpios out there! I have serious Scorpio pride y'all. Anyways, I feel the best I have felt my whole life! When people say that they want to go back to their twenties I don't understand that sentiment. To go backwards is not progressive, especially how hard I had to work to get to where I am today. In my twenties I did not LOVE who I am, I put everyone on a pedestal, and suppressed my personal truth everyday! I am finally having the courage to be me! I do not act like I have it all together and somehow that makes me whole! But to get to where I am now has been a long journey. I have come full circle and have my own coming of age story.
Growing up I felt better being in the background. Out of fear of being seen and possibly criticized, I just stayed "out the way". When I did come out into the front it was me following behind someone. Sad I know! The constant feeling of not being worthy haunted me. If I stood out people would not like me I thought. And boy did I want to be liked by others. So I suppressed my opinions, thoughts, and feelings and went with the flow.
When my healing season began I was 23, that was ten years ago! I was heavy in church. I did not date. Wore long skirts, I was disconnected from my body, secretly hated myself and my parents too. The weight of depression forced me into counseling. I prayed for a transformation constantly. I wanted so badly to release the pain from my past and the hurts of my grandmothers and mother, who did not have the courage or resources to change. In Iyanla Vanzant's book "Acts of Faith" she says sometimes when we move forward we may have to go alone. That was my mantra! I went alone, proudly, boldly, ready for a transformed and healthy life. That journey was not easy because I did not have the support I needed from the people closest to me. So naturally I became angry! I began to express my pain and anger every chance I got. I told my family and friends what I thought about their choices in life and how they were settling for less. I also learned to let go!
Through my transformation I went through growing pains. I wanted so badly to break the cycle of neglect and abuse I became critical and a perfectionist! The harder I worked at being better the sadder I became. I wanted to be this perfect Christian, and the sweetest girl you could meet. What I began to do was neglect myself, and in the process everyone around me. So I began to practice being kind. Which is funny coming from someone who has been kind sense she was born. In the process everyone close to me was affected. So I became merciful like Christ. I learned how to LOVE the way Christ LOVED. I was so humbled with how much work I had to do I began to be more compassionate to everyone else. I realized that when we "get our house in order" we do not have time to worry about anyone else!
In 2010 I am proof just like the 33 miners in Chile that GOD still does miracles. No matter how dark, cold and bleak our lives look GOD can still bring us out! Every place I went I made sure to show people how great Christ is by still being LOVE while feeling pain. Christ did not only show LOVE to the holiest people or the cool people. Christ showed LOVE to everyone who sought him! On his journey before his death the bible says he would go from place to place seeking out those who wanted a new life. Christ gravitated to the people who just wanted to be healed, who wanted change. Christ died at 33 years old leaving behind a legacy of LOVE, hope, promise, and peace. At 33 that is something I hope I can give to others through Christ who strengthens me. We do not have to be perfect to know Christ. The irony is we must be more human! My coming of age story is about LOVE. LOVE of faith, LOVE of self, LOVE of family, LOVE of life! I have come full circle. To be like Christ is to celebrate who we are. To be like Christ is to accept others as they are. Because Christ whole mission was for us to be free! Free of any burdens that would weigh us down and keep us from giving and receiving LOVE. That is why he died. Like him I have died. Not a physical death, but a spiritual one. I am new, I am whole and I am free!
