Adult Children of Alcoholics part 2: My Story

Alcoholism affected my family in so many ways. As you might imagine it tore us apart. The people who suffer the most are the ones who do not even drink. It is the children. I am the oldest of four siblings. I always said GOD gives us special gifts to help us cope with life's setbacks. My gift is compassion. Protecting my family was an honor. I worried when my grandmother drank and hoped me telling her how it hurts the family would make her stop. My brother and I fought often mainly because his behavior was disrespectful and I was not having it! Everyone had to live up to my unrealistic expectations, including myself!

The hero sometimes referred to as the model child is one of the four common roles played by children of alcoholics. It is usually the oldest. In the alcoholic family all the children play a role, for me I was the hero. I was the first of my mom's generation to graduate high school. I was the first in my grandparent's generation to finish college. I wanted to be the example. I hoped if I did the "right" thing I could encourage my family to do the same. What I learned was no matter how "perfect" I strived to be the only person I can save is me. Being "perfect" has taken its toll. And as I write to you today I am done!

I just came to the realization two weeks ago when a BELOVED family member wanted space from me. The little girl inside of me was upset. What do I have to do to prove I LOVE you, I asked myself? GOD said "Nothing, you already have. Now it is their turn to prove their LOVE to themselves". I release the patterns of my past. They no longer have control over me. I pray this for my family and other adult children raised by alcoholics. As kids we had no control, now we have control and it is with ourselves! YOU deserve happiness. YOU deserve to express sadness or anger without guilt or shame! You deserve a life that is healthy and full of people who want you to win. It is now up to YOU!

In photo:Me and my siblings Christmas 2010

Children of Alcoholics Awareness Week

Children are defenseless. They are rarely heard. That is why they need us. Children raised in an alcoholic home vulnerability to being a victim increases. Parents that are under the influence of alcohol have little to no control over their behavior which in turns harms themselves and their family. As a child you model the behavior of the parent. Children of alcoholics or COAs develop patterns of the alcoholic parent. Often times without even realizing it until they become adults.

 

According to studies there are an estimated 26.8 million COAs in the US. The number of children being raised by a substance addicted parent is significantly high. Child protective service agencies, welfare records have shown that substance abuse (including drugs) account for 81% of one of the two top problems of families reported. With more than a million cases have been reported of abuse and neglect to due substance abuse a year! COAs are two to four times more likely to become an addicted to alcohol than a child in a non alcoholic home.

 

What about the COAs who never drinks? They still will have addictive personalities due to the influence of the addicted care givers. This is why many COAs suffer alone. It is easy to spot an alcoholic, but not a child addicted to worry or fear. Or the super responsible and successful child who hopes being perfect would cure the alcoholic from their disease. At its worst the COA becomes extremely aggressive and even violent. COAs due to neglect and abuse have a greater chance of a life of crime and living a life feeling like an outsider. COAs are at greater risk of depression, anxiety disorder, guilt, shame, problems in school, and having dysfunctional relationships.

 

So what can you do? You can advocate for Children of Alcoholics by going to http://store.samhsa.gov/home and download pamphlets and posters. You can post the pamphlets up at local hospitals, churches, community centers, and schools. You can become a part of the life of a child who has been neglected and abused due to substance abuse. COAs who have the support of an adult studies have shown that makes a big difference in their lives. With the guidance of a teacher, family member, community friend COAs will gain the strength to be resilient. Help break down the barrier of shame, guilt, and feeling of being alone and give COAs a chance to live healthy, happy lives despite the problems they have in their own. Trust me from my own experience it makes a difference!

 

COAs often feel alone as I said before. When they interact with the world everyone appears "normal" but them. This is why when parents get intervention COAs need to get intervention as well. Therapy is very important for children being raised in abusive, neglected and addictive environments. The COA needs to know that they are not alone. Unfortunately there are other families who suffer as well. COAs need to know that there is help and how they can get it. National Association of Children of Alcoholics: http://www.nacoa.net/index.htm has information on how to help COAs and has information on how to educate others on this social issue. Also for children who are 11 years old and older can join a group called Alateen. Alateen is a part of the group Al-Anon that supports families and friends of alcoholics. Together we can restore hope, faith, and LOVE in children who lives have been broken.

 

 

 

 

 

National Children of Alcoholics Awareness Week

February 13-19 2011 is National Children of Alcoholics Awareness week. The mission is to bring to light an issue that has been in the dark. I have jumped on board because this issue hits home with me. My mother and my grandmother suffered from alcoholism for my whole childhood up until I was 22 years old! My childhood was robbed of LOVE, affection, attention, nurturing, stability, order, and care.

Nick News goes inside the lives of young people who tell their story. Meet four kids whose lives have been upside down due to alcoholism. We can all help by being aware and seeing the damage it does to our children who will one day be adults carrying years of pain in their hearts. If you want to see this episode on TV with your family tune in to Nick tonight at 6 p.m. EST, 5 p.m. CST, and 3 p.m. PST.

Nick News
Tags: Nick News Episodes,Nick News,Nick News Games

Coming Of Age Story

October 23^rd I turned 33 years old. Shout out to all my Scorpios out there! I have serious Scorpio pride y'all. Anyways, I feel the best I have felt my whole life! When people say that they want to go back to their twenties I don't understand that sentiment. To go backwards is not progressive, especially how hard I had to work to get to where I am today. In my twenties I did not LOVE who I am, I put everyone on a pedestal, and suppressed my personal truth everyday! I am finally having the courage to be me! I do not act like I have it all together and somehow that makes me whole! But to get to where I am now has been a long journey. I have come full circle and have my own coming of age story.

Growing up I felt better being in the background. Out of fear of being seen and possibly criticized, I just stayed "out the way". When I did come out into the front it was me following behind someone. Sad I know! The constant feeling of not being worthy haunted me. If I stood out people would not like me I thought. And boy did I want to be liked by others. So I suppressed my opinions, thoughts, and feelings and went with the flow.

When my healing season began I was 23, that was ten years ago! I was heavy in church. I did not date. Wore long skirts, I was disconnected from my body, secretly hated myself and my parents too. The weight of depression forced me into counseling. I prayed for a transformation constantly. I wanted so badly to release the pain from my past and the hurts of my grandmothers and mother, who did not have the courage or resources to change. In Iyanla Vanzant's book "Acts of Faith" she says sometimes when we move forward we may have to go alone. That was my mantra! I went alone, proudly, boldly, ready for a transformed and healthy life. That journey was not easy because I did not have the support I needed from the people closest to me. So naturally I became angry! I began to express my pain and anger every chance I got. I told my family and friends what I thought about their choices in life and how they were settling for less. I also learned to let go!

Through my transformation I went through growing pains. I wanted so badly to break the cycle of neglect and abuse I became critical and a perfectionist! The harder I worked at being better the sadder I became. I wanted to be this perfect Christian, and the sweetest girl you could meet. What I began to do was neglect myself, and in the process everyone around me. So I began to practice being kind. Which is funny coming from someone who has been kind sense she was born. In the process everyone close to me was affected. So I became merciful like Christ. I learned how to LOVE the way Christ LOVED. I was so humbled with how much work I had to do I began to be more compassionate to everyone else. I realized that when we "get our house in order" we do not have time to worry about anyone else!

In 2010 I am proof just like the 33 miners in Chile that GOD still does miracles. No matter how dark, cold and bleak our lives look GOD can still bring us out! Every place I went I made sure to show people how great Christ is by still being LOVE while feeling pain. Christ did not only show LOVE to the holiest people or the cool people. Christ showed LOVE to everyone who sought him! On his journey before his death the bible says he would go from place to place seeking out those who wanted a new life. Christ gravitated to the people who just wanted to be healed, who wanted change. Christ died at 33 years old leaving behind a legacy of LOVE, hope, promise, and peace. At 33 that is something I hope I can give to others through Christ who strengthens me. We do not have to be perfect to know Christ. The irony is we must be more human! My coming of age story is about LOVE. LOVE of faith, LOVE of self, LOVE of family, LOVE of life! I have come full circle. To be like Christ is to celebrate who we are. To be like Christ is to accept others as they are. Because Christ whole mission was for us to be free! Free of any burdens that would weigh us down and keep us from giving and receiving LOVE. That is why he died. Like him I have died. Not a physical death, but a spiritual one. I am new, I am whole and I am free!

LOVE

If someone asked me have I changed much sense I was a little girl I would most certainly say yes! I no longer allow myself to be a push over. I am finally in touch with my emotions. I do not allow the concerns of this world to bring me down. I am no longer afraid to look a boy in the face, ok maybe just a little. All those things are true, I have progressed sense I was a little girl. The main reason is because I worked hard at being a better person all around. That has been my mission for the last ten years. When I turned 23 my life began to change, I noticed a strong desire in me to grow. After being raised in a home full of abuse and neglect I told myself I have to do better. I had to do better even if that meant moving forward by myself. And that is exactly what I did! The dream of being rescued faded and the overwhelming desire to be independent took over. Then somewhere along the journey I began to desire something else, the comfort of being supported and LOVED. I developed a strong need to have harmonious and peaceful relationships in my life. The need for dare I say a husband and to be cared for. I have not dealt with those emotions sense I was a child. I began to change, a long cry from that vulnerable child wanting desperately to be LOVED. Being that little girl was powerless to me and I needed my power back. Allowing ourselves to go through changes takes us to the place our soul craves. That is for us to come back home.

 

In the second grade I would have my first kiss. It was on the cheek, but yet it was still a kiss. It was not until the summer of the 4^th grade would I have a "real" kiss. That means tongue and everything! See growing up in the hood you moved fast. Everyone knew more than they should from listening to adults talk about their mess. To the neighborhood fights that teenage girls would have over their kid's dad who was by the same guy. I have seen it all! To my 7^th grade best friend hiding her pregnancy from me because I was one of the "good girls" so I would not understand. A kiss was all I was going to give a boy. I was raised to worry about school, work hard and when you are older worry about boys. So that is what I did! Well at least in real life.

 

In my fantasies my prince charming would take me away from all the madness in the world and make my life better. We would go to a place where it was perfect and instantly I became prefect too! I longed for that place, praying for my prince charming to come. Years went by he never came and then one day the light bulb came on, I realized that the only person that could make me happy was me. That broke my heart! The dreams where gone and my heart became harden. I no longer craved LOVE from a man or from anyone for that matter. I put a wall up with my family and everyone around me. Not dealing with the trauma from my childhood began to catch up with me. I was not fine, I was angry, I was hurt; I was no longer that little girl who everyone LOVED. I was no longer the little girl who smiled at everyone and gave a hug. The little girl who teachers adored and had many many friends. I over compensated for not feeling LOVED so I was extremely nice to everyone else to the point of neglecting myself. A natural people pleaser I learned at an early age to neglect myself for others even at the cost of my own mental health. So I became depressed, worried about my sister, my grandparents, and what I felt like my life should be. I was falling apart. I went through grieving stages before I finally had a break through.

 

I first was angry; I hated myself, my parents and my grandparents. Can I be real? The childhood I had was finally being dealt with, and it changed me. I learned to forgive. I learned to accept. I learned to say no. I learned to speak up. I learned to finally be me! I changed. From that stage grew a desire to be better so I read books and joined Al-Anon a program to help families and friends of alcoholics. Through Al-Anon I learned that I had to let go of my desire to control. I had to stop minding everyone else's business and start worrying about my own. Not easy, but I knew in order to get the life I dream of it would take hard work!

 

Years of healing I decided to go into ministry and give to others what I have received. A new lease on life! I was blessed with the opportunity to be free of family bondage and to create a new path for myself. The more I began to practice my new teachings the easier they became. Going home to family members who knew how to press my buttons would be a test. Hell, dealing with family members is STILL a test!! But I learned to soften my heart, to let it go! I would tell my family for the first time how I felt and then let them choose what they wanted to do next. Finally I was responsible for only MY actions and not the little girl who wanted to save everyone!

 

Sherri was a friend I had in school from the 5^th grade up to the 8^th grade. Sherri was not that nice as a person on the outside, but I knew she was just covering up from hurt. I knew deep down she was a sweetheart and I would let her know even as a little girl. GOD just allowed me to see that even as a child. Sherri and I would reunite yesterday on facebook after all these years. The first thing she said to me was "Tasha you are still sweet. I hope you did not let life get you down". That humbled me. She remembered that I was this little girl who LOVED way past my years. I did not care if you sold drugs, was in a gang, had sex, I LOVED you anyhow. And Sherri remembered that, we would send emails back and forth all night last night. When I went to sleep I thanked GOD for sending her my way. What Sherri has done is help me to remember where I come from. She helped me remember the person I once was. The little girl who believed in LOVE and was not afraid to express it! Today that little girl's LOVE radiates through my soul! She is in my very being and breaths me fresh life! That little girl who does not care what a man does but what his heart says he is! My soul craves the unity of this little girl so I can find the spirituality in LOVE again! My soul's journey was not to become serious and rigid, but to be free! My spirit now will be the sweet little girl who adores LOVE songs, holding hands and giving kisses! LOVE does not have to be a burden. It can be the very thing that frees us from the very things that weigh us down. My desire to LOVE gives me new joy I never knew was possible without having a romantic partner to share it with. I now am mature enough to give the LOVE I always gave to others back to myself! I believe in my prince charming again and that he will LOVE me just as I am. Whole, happy, healthy and sweet with a lot of LOVE to give!

 

 

New York City

My favorite place on earth is New York City. Yes. New York, I LOVE it. If you have not been, make plans to go. New Yorkers get such a bad rep. I think they are charming folks who live in a high pace society so they are just a product of that. I remember as a little girl and meeting people who were interested in me because I said I was from Oklahoma. And I blushed when the men said they LOVE southern women. Oww!

My sister and I planned our trip back in April. There is a bus company called mega bus and they sell tickets as cheap as a dollar! That's right, a dollar! So it was a no brainer to ride the bus oppose to flying for Memorial Day weekend.


As soon as we arrived in New York I wanted to get me either some good Chinese food, or Italian. We ended up getting Italian food. YUM!

Our first stop was Time Square. We had street artist to make us pictures from scratch. My sister got make up done and it was fab! There were sailors walking up and down the street. Fine ones too!! The funniest part was meeting cookie monster and seeing Dora. The protesters were serious!


We then went to Central Park for the first time. BEAUTIFUL. The park just had a spiritual feel to it. I felt connected to GOD. I got me a hot dog and strolled the park. The most amazing view was looking over the Hudson river to New Jersey.





My sister and I are street bball fans. We LOVE going to the hood and finding a basketball court full of man. And guess what? We did just that. Enjoyed watching the guys put on their best show for us:) After chillin for an hour we left to get ready for the night.

My sisters friend told her he was djing in lower Manhattan. We had a hotel in upper Manhattan so we had to go to the other side of town. This is when we realized how big Manhattan is.




Before hitting the club we went back to Time square to see the City up close at night time. Breath taking! Cabs everywhere, people taking pics with sailors, bands playing live instruments in the streets and this is a normal thing! The funny part was seeing a lady selling Obama condoms. Really lady? My sister and I met some sailors who were kind enough to take pics with us. Fun times.


As I was getting dressed I bust open my adorable dress I bought from ASOS.COM. I pulled it together literally. Every five minutes pulling up my dress. But that did not keep me from having fun. Well it limit me on the dance floor a little bit. All I kept think was all of my breast was going to be out and I was going to look crazy! So I chilled in my little corner in VIP. But when my song came on I had to dance a minute. I had so much fun.


I did not want the evening to end. I met some great people and tons of memories I will never forget. Thank you New York! My LOVER *Carrie voice*

Happy Father's Day!

Today I honor the men in my life. I did not have the traditional up bringing in the sense of mother and father in the home. Most people talk about dead beat dad's but I had a dead beat mom, which is another blog discussion. My grandparents raised me from the day I left the hospital until today! I am still their baby. My grandfather was old school. He did not work when our family moved to Oklahoma from my hometown of Cali for five years. We lived off of his retirement checks. I remember my father volunteering in my classroom. Helping my teacher in the computer and math labs. Although he was extra tough on me, I understand what he was doing. Anytime my siblings and I were in trouble in school my grandfather would drop everything and head up to the school. We knew not to get out of line because my grandfather was no joke! He would walk up and down the neighborhood looking for us when we would be out after curfew. Did I mention he was no joke? My grandfather was not perfect, he was real. He would get up and take me home on the weekends when I was homesick in college. I am truly grateful for him in my life. He raised me when my father was not able to do so.


My brother has been through it in the past few years. My nephew has cancer. Yes, he is only 7 years old. The anger, pain that my brother feels on a daily basis is understandable. But he never complains. When he cries I wish I could do something for my little brother. I can't imagine his pain. See we did not have our biological fathers in our lives. They came in and out. You can't tell that my brother was failed by the men in his life, not by how he raises his kids. He proves you can still be a great father if there were no good examples of what that is! To say I am proud of him would be an understatement. My brother not only is the ONLY provider for his family, he is devoted to being active in their life as well. He is not just a father, but a husband. I was concerned when he married young, I knew it would be challenging for him. But my brother has met and surpassed all the challenges that have come into his life. GOD bless him!


My uncle Kirk told me that he remembers where he was when I was born. He said he was in the 10th grade and someone said over the speaker in the classroom, your nieces was born today. He told me he was so happy his nieecs were born. When he told me that I felt LOVED. He celebrated my life. When my father was on drugs my uncle would fill in for him when I would visit my family in New York. My uncle would spend time with my sister and I. He took us and his family to cannda to Marine Land. I will never forget that. He took us riding around on his motorcycle in his backyard. I was scared to death lol. I LOVED staying at my uncles house because he would give me the attention I was not used to at home. My aunt and cousins equally showed us LOVE. They were just reflecting who my uncle was as a person. A true example of LOVE.


My father is active in my life today. When we talk now that he is sober, so we have meaningful conversations. For many black women this is not a reality. Often our communities are filled with absent fathers. The effects of that is evident everyday when we look at inner city communities. To say that we NEED fathers in the home is putting it lightly. The other day when I went to footlock a brotha who works there told me this: When a mother is saved in the home 18% of the family is saved, when the father is saved 90% is saved. WOW! I no longer say I don't need a man. The devil is a lie!!! I NEED my father and I am grateful he is fully present in my life. There are fathers who are in the home but not fully present. We need active fathers who can give their children the LOVE they crave. At 32 I am still that little girl who gets excited to talk to my dad. I told my father how I am tired of being given a hard time for being single. He told me that my life is separate. I am living for GOD which means my life will not look life most people. He went on to say I am not missing nothing. Know that when GOD is ready for you to be with someone he will send him. Until then, keep doing what you doing. All my anxiety, fear, confusion, and pain left at once. I then realized the importance of having my father in my life.

For years I said I was ok not having my father in my life. I told everyone that my grandparents made up for the lost. The truth is no one can make up for the lost of your father. I feared men, I secreting resented them too. Angry for being abandoned and not feeling good enough. I have been blessed with many great men who would act as a father in my life. They gave me what I need. For the men who step in as fathers to children that are not theirs GOD bless you today. To the men in my life that showed me unconditional LOVE, I thank you. Most of all to my heavenly father for restoring my soul and helping find my path to LOVE.

Why Fathers Are Important

My maternal grandfather is the only father I really know. I was born to a mother who dropped out the 9th grade when she was pregnant at 15. My father was 20 at the time and active in the Navy. My grandfather was also in the Navy stationed on the same ship as my father, hints how my parents actually met. At the time my mom hit the streets hard and only dated older men in the military. My father thought my mom was older and they began to date LOOSELY! When my father found out my mother was pregnant he wanted to get married. My mother, not so much.

My father was active in my life until I was three years old. My grandfather moved the family because he was transferred to San Diego. My father remained in Oakland. That's when it all began.

To say that grandparents saved my life would be unjust. They did so much more than I can explain. My parents were very immature and were in no way fit to parent.

My father married and had two more children. I remember calling him and my step mom in the back round trying to get my father off the phone. Shortly he would get off. I thought, what a coward to let a women run your life.

At 12 I would reunite with my father. He had divorced his wife due to his battle with drugs. I remember seeing him and struggle was all over his face. He looked like he had a hard life. I did not know if I was to call him dad or by his name. I choose the latter.

Randy and I would work on our relationship. Due to his battle with drugs it never really worked. His sobriety was short lived and all I would hear is "He doing good" when I would ask my family how my father was doing. Good I thought. Then why hasn't he called? Of course that was all a lie. And I think the reason he continue to dig himself a deeper whole, but I digress.

My father continued to battle with drugs for most of my childhood into my adult life. I have seen what abuse and neglect can do to a family. The pain hurts more than the user. The forgotten victims are the children.

Birthdays gone, no phone calls, broken promises and decade of tears. That is my life. Most people do not know this because I refused to allow others bad choices to become mine own. I was going to break the curse. And I did! Bless the LORD! I had years and years of healing and that journey will never end.

As for my father he is sober now. He has been clean for a year and for the first time in my life he is present. I mean fully aware, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Why father's are important? At 32 I can call my father and talk about relationships. I can tell him about my job and ask what should I do. Catch up on what GOD is doing in his life and gaining strength knowing how much I have helped him. I now know I can be a LOVING, warm, nurturing wife because I restored the relationship with my father. I thank GOD for this, because I know it was not my fathers doing nor my own. It was my heavenly father who joined us together.

Why I LOVE Being a Black Woman!

Being a black women means many things to me. It means strength, character, pain, shame, LOVE and so much more. Reflecting on my ancestors I think of my pain. I think of heartache and betrail. Being sold at a cheap price, and seen as only a baby machine. No wonder I still struggle with my body image to this day. Finally seeing my body as a temple. Scarced. Beautiful. Embracing my seductive curves and voluptuous breast. I LOVE being a black women because of my distinct features that separates from the rest. Main stream media is just catching up to what black women have known for years. Having a big butt is sexy as hell! Go into inner city communities and black women through out the hood has big butts. Full lips, and round hips. Yes honey, full figured and all looking fly! That's me! I LOVE the sis with the natural fro and the sister with the perm. What I LOVE about being a black women is my hair. The corn rows, micro-braids, twist, Afro, blow out, you name it! I won't let anyone put me in a box. Being a black women is not limited to one "type" of women. We are far to complex for that! From the sista who will cuss you smooth out, to the sister who will pray for you,to the sister who will cuss you out and then pray for you, ha! See there is no right or wrong, just different ways of expression. My inspiration comes from women who look like me. When I watch t.v. I get excited when I see a black women featured on a show. I have pride! That is my sister. Being a black women means I come from a community of people who is my family. My compassion shows no bounds. LOVING hard, and harder. As a black women I have seen alot. Through my pain I have learned to LOVE. Like the LOVE of my grandmother who raised my siblings and I because my mother was not going to have us raised any kind of way. Or the LOVE of Ms. J who knew my home situation and took my sister and I in. She would take us shopping and talked to me about the importance of college. See black women built colleges in this country. Being an educator is in my blood. I LOVE being a black women because of my culture. Soul music, candy yams, and the black church. Listening to the pastor give a heart felt message and the whole church jumping on their feet. To the choir singing your hearts song where all you want to do is shout! Yes, that's me! Expressing my LOVE for my GOD and not afraid who sees me! I come from a history of black women who LOVE their GOD! Why I LOVE being a black woman is because I have pride in my rich heritage. The stories told and untold. To see examples in myself of black women who lived thousand years ago. That gives me confidence I can't explain. I was born to succeed. I was born to LOVE. I was born to teach. I was born to nurture. It is in me! It's my legacy! I thank GOD I was born a black woman. I say that as humble as I know how. I LOVE my carmel complexion and my flat nose. I have no hang ups. I LOVE being a black woman!

*The photo is Ida B. Wells

Race For The Cure

This year was my first time participating in Susan G. Komen's Race For The Cure. It has been a dream of mine for several years. Every time I see an advertisement I tell myself I am going to go. But I never do it. Then one day while riding on the train I noticed an advertisement that said Race for the Cure in Washington DC June 5,2010. I was so excited because I told myself this time I am going to go. At a family dinner party my cousin asked when is the race for the cure in DC? I remembered seeing the ad while riding on the train and said "June 5th I believe". She went on to say her job will pay for family members who want to participate. Her sister and I gladly said we want to join the cause. I would LOVE to I said. That was two weeks before the race.


When Saturday came I did not know what to expect. I do not like driving in D.C. because I am still learning the area. So I hopped on the train. Where I board the train it is the second stop on what is called the blue line. When the train arrived there where people already standing, holding on to the rails. The train was packed with people wearing pink and white t-shirts. Yes, everyone was going to DC to participate in Race for The Cure. I could not believe it. At 6:30 am all these people are on the train? Uncomfortable and frustrated I pushed my way on the train. The next train did not come until 19 mins. I was not in the mood to wait, so I decided to ride. For 30-45 min on the train I stood up! I bonded with other passengers who asked me is this my first time in the race. I told them yes, and it will not be my last. Rocking back and forth, bumping into everyone within 5ft of me I was glad to get off at my destination. I met my cousins at Archives-Navy memorial station, from there we would participate in Race for the Cure for the very first time.


As we walked to 7th and Connecticut Ave the race had just begun. My cousin called her co-workers and we met them there. We jumped in and started the race with all the other participants. The crowd was filled with joggers, runners, and walkers. There were signs from different organizations and people on the side line cheering us on. There was a band who played motivation music and two participates joined in and played too. It was funny seeing these two older women dancing and playing their instruments with the band. My cousin laughed at how the two women were on beat and everything. By the time we left that area we just finished a mile! I was like just a mile?


After 2 miles I was ready to sit down. My whole body was sore and all I can think of was my bed. As the crowd and I were heading toward the 3 mile mark, which is the finish line I could not help but be taken back by the moment. Looking around and seeing all these pink t-shirts worn by breast cancer survivors. I realized that this walk was life changing. I did it for them. And I will do it again and again for them! As I passed the finish line I was over come with emotion. I did not cry until I seen my cousin's co-worker break down into tears. She was a breast cancer survivor. This race was more than a charity even for her. I cried too. I remembered reading the t-shirts of family members of victims who lost their lives to breast cancer. I remember one little girl who looked about 4 years old and her shirt read "I am doing this for granny". In that moment I began to thank GOD for my health. For my life. For family. For friends new and old. For this was a day I would never forget. I was apart of something, that was bigger than me.

Are You Kind To Yourself?

"We somehow believe that if we hate ourselves enough, if we shame ourselves enough, we'll end up thin, happy, peaceful people," says Geneen Roth Author of WOMEN FOOD and GOD. "Somehow if I torture myself enough, I'll end up feeling great about myself and about my life, as if hatred leads to love and torture leads to contentment," says Geneen Roth. As crazy as that sounds, Geneen Roth makes a point about women mental and emotional reasoning for not being kind to ourselves. Saying things like I hate my arms, I hate my thighs, just leads to other problems instead of helping them. When we say things to ourselves like "you are a pig, all you think about is food". Or "Look at her hips they are nice, I hate my hips, hers are perfect". It is not a coincidence that positive out comes do not happen in our lives. Torturing ourselves does not lead to a healthy life. When we are kind to ourselves we are giving ourself permission to be who we are. Accepting the things we like about ourselves and what we do not.

Coming from a family of drugs addicts and alcoholics I did not learn about healthy choices. I was taught to abandon who I am for everyone else. When life gets too hard retrieve to your shell. Do not communicate about your problems. There was no healing, just years and years of abuse and neglect. So self hate was the common thread in my house hold. Hating how you looked was minor. It was bigger things like hating your dad. Wishing GOD gave you someone else's mom. Feeling gulity for being angry that your grandparents ignore you. My grandparents had bigger issues to deal with, like years and years of abuse and neglect. So having destructive behavior was a pattern in my household. My grandparents had to raise four kids that their child had abandoned. I felt it was my fault. So the self hate began.

Putting others before me was expected. Wanting more out of life was seen as selfish. So being nice was a comfortable role for me. I was accepted. I was liked. I was apart of a group of people I admired. If I am nice they would like me, they will be my friend, I thought. From childhood I never felt LOVED or accepted for me. Not getting attention at home I felt a constant need to seek outside approval. That's my Aha moment as Oprah says. Being me was not good enough. Not good enough for my parents. Not good enough for anyone else either. The only way I am good enough is when I am sweet nice Tasha. Bending over backwards to please everyone and neglecting myself. I was taught my life is not my own. You have no power. So the only thing I could control was what I ate. It felt good and that was a feeling I was not used to.

Working through my childhood issues for the last nine years I have learned many things. I learned about neglect and abuse. Years of me saying that I was not affected by my parents not raising me was a lie. Being kind to myself means to me owning up to how I feel. I no longer put others before myself. I learned to speak my truth even if I am the only one who believes it! When we say that what we feel does not matter, we are chipping away at our self worth. We are saying we do not matter. That's is where hate lives. The name calling begins. A cycle of abuse and neglect. I told myself the the generational curse of my family stops with me! I will give myself the same LOVE I give to others. I am still sweet Tasha. But I have learned that because I am in a bad mood today, or that I want a piece of cake does not make me the worst person in the world. After all that is what I would say to someone else.

I missed Geneen Roth when she was on Oprah last week, but I read her article on Oprah.com(link attached when click on title). She feels women have a tough time meeting their weight loss goals due to the self hatred they have with themselves. Our emotional trauma from some point in our lives triggers us to eat. I agree with this sentiment. Because it is not the food the feels good but the fact that it is something that gives me pleasure is my addiction. The pleasure of food makes me feel LOVED. Accepted for who I am. Finding this out just today has helped me towards the life I dream of losing extra weight for life. Oprah opened up about how her childhood trauma is the reason for her trigger to eat. I believe the things that happen to us as children effects us as adults. It ought to be our mission in life to see why we are not kind to ourselves. What is the reason we are not living our best lives.

Color of LOVE

As a little girl red was my favorite color. My grandmother would buy me a red colored outfit and my twin sister a blue colored outfit. I don't know if that had anything to do with why red is my favorite color, but I always loved the color red. I stumbled across a color personality test that asked what color describes you? I though it would be an exciting quiz so I took it. I found out that by having red as my favorite color I was a passionate person who has deep LOVES (meaning I can get crazy lol). I thought wow all that just from a color?

The color red according to wikipedia is a color associated with bravery, purity, happiness, good luck, heat/fire, energy, and blood. The emotional words connected with the color red is anger, passion, LOVE, pain, and sacrifice. In nature astrologers call the planet Mars Red Planet due to its reddish color. If you are a big astrology person like myself you know that Scorpio (which is my sun sign)and Aries are represented by planet Mars. These two signs are called the passion signs. Aries are seen as aggressive and quick to get angry and Scorpios are passionate in nature and has a tendency to LOVE too deeply and become jealous. Red can be seen as a dark color in nature that people like myself can relate to.

I am naturally a passionate person. I LOVE 365 a year. There was a time I felt guilty about having this type of personality. Yes, I was told I am too nice because I wear my heart on my sleeve! Instead of just saying I LOVE someone I showed them. Very intense I always felt the need to speak my truth with LOVE. So it makes sense that red is my favorite color because I believe it describes me very well.

Today is Valentines Day and this is the day we are to celebrate LOVE. When the valentine season comes everywhere you look you see the color red representing flowers, the cover of heart shaped chocolate box, and pro-flowers is even adding a beautiful red vase with their flowers this year for Valentines day. So it is clear that today is the day we celebrate the color of LOVE. Showing LOVE is not limited to just a romantic partner. It is showing LOVE for your parents. Your brothers and sisters. Your true friends. Also a stranger for LOVE means to show compassion! Today express LOVE at its highest power for in the Bible it says in Mark 12:29-31 The most important commandment is this:'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our GOD is the one and only Lord. And you must LOVE the Lord your GOD with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength'. The second is equally important: 'LOVE your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these. As people are going out spending time with their mates you don't have to feel alone if you are single. Call that Aunt or cousin you have not heard from in a while. Take yourself out for the day. Call your friends and go out tonight! Most important know that LOVE is 365 not just one day a year.

So how will you show LOVE today? And what do you think your favorite color says about you?