Revolving Door

I was a woman with daddy issues so I have been very accommodating in relationships.  My revolving door relationship with my father has affected my relationships with men.  My father has been in and out of my life since I was a baby.  Spinning me in circles emotionally coming in and out of my life.

I finally have had enough.  I haven't spoken to my father in years and suddenly I get a greeting card from him this past summer. The card I received from my father was him apologizing to me for the time we had lost and making promises he doesn't keep.  And like in true Tasha fashion I let him back in.  Only for him to continue to act like I am a hindrance to his life cause he can't find time for me.  See, he remarried and has kids.  They see him and get love daily while I pine for him and beg for call backs.

After allowing my father another chance to be in my life I began to do a lot of reflection.  My addiction to pain keeps me going back to dead end situations.  I had to finally face my own truth.  Sorrow and neglect became my love language.  The more detached he is the more I want to save a man.

Going into the new year I wanted to stop this pattern.  No one will be allowed to leave and come back in my life any more.  I will love you and hope for the best, I'm no longer the angry black girl with daddy issues.  I am healing and seeking a mutual satisfying love life.  We will not constantly argue but discuss differences.  We will seek solution not run away.  This time I am loving my own way.  Letting anyone go for good who doesn't want to stay.  I no longer have an open door policy.  I will gladly open the door for you to go if you can live a life without me actively apart of it, just know the door will be closed behind you for good.

A Scorpio Knows

Happy Birthday to all my beloved Scorpios!!! Yes, this is Scorpio Season…All Sexy Everything! To celebrate the last day of Scorpio season I wanted to do something in honor of my 36th birthday. Yes, you read that right; I turned 36 October 23rd. I cannot believe it. Where did all the time go? I remember living in my grandparents’ home dreaming of the day I was old enough to move out and could afford to live on my own. I am so grateful to be in the space I am now, learning, growing every day. This year I continue to transition. And while the process has been challenging; I know the person I am becoming makes it worth it. My perspective about life has changed tremendously and I learned some awesome things along the way. So I want to share with you 36 things I have learned at the tender age of 36! There is beauty in growing old. You get to learn some pretty cool things along the way. Please comment about what you learned thus far on your journey. I would love to know.


1. Always be aware.
2. It’s not always about you.
3. Being kind brings its own rewards.
4. Don’t wait for things to get “better” to praise God.
5. My Faith is all I have.
6. Peace of mind is everything!
7. It’s okay to say I don’t know.
8. It’s okay to say I messed up.
9. Being happy is so much more fulfilling than being right.
10. Put your time and energy in people who always put the same into you.
11. Nurture your relationships.
12. A romantic relationship is not the only way to experience Love.
13. Being alone to heal is so worth it.
14. Go to therapy.
15. Honor your feelings.
16. Don’t take everything so seriously.
17. Stay true to YOUR vision even if it means standing alone.
18. It’s okay being soft and sweet (I hear guys dig that stuff).
19. Say no.
20. Don’t be different for the sake of, but do what works for you.
21. Everyone won’t support your dreams.
22. Never give up.
23. Know when it’s time to quit.
24. Every once in a while take a risk.
25. Don’t be afraid of being by yourself.
26. Do something nice for YOU.
27. Be an example.
28. There is a Spiritual element to Love.
29. What you put out into the world will always come back to you. Good or bad.
30. Speak of what it is you WANT not of what you DON’T WANT.
31. The only person you can change is yourself.
32. Let go!
33. Love heals.
34. Save.
35. You can approach him first.
36. Sometimes not having a “plan” is the best “plan”.

Coming Of Age Story

October 23^rd I turned 33 years old. Shout out to all my Scorpios out there! I have serious Scorpio pride y'all. Anyways, I feel the best I have felt my whole life! When people say that they want to go back to their twenties I don't understand that sentiment. To go backwards is not progressive, especially how hard I had to work to get to where I am today. In my twenties I did not LOVE who I am, I put everyone on a pedestal, and suppressed my personal truth everyday! I am finally having the courage to be me! I do not act like I have it all together and somehow that makes me whole! But to get to where I am now has been a long journey. I have come full circle and have my own coming of age story.

Growing up I felt better being in the background. Out of fear of being seen and possibly criticized, I just stayed "out the way". When I did come out into the front it was me following behind someone. Sad I know! The constant feeling of not being worthy haunted me. If I stood out people would not like me I thought. And boy did I want to be liked by others. So I suppressed my opinions, thoughts, and feelings and went with the flow.

When my healing season began I was 23, that was ten years ago! I was heavy in church. I did not date. Wore long skirts, I was disconnected from my body, secretly hated myself and my parents too. The weight of depression forced me into counseling. I prayed for a transformation constantly. I wanted so badly to release the pain from my past and the hurts of my grandmothers and mother, who did not have the courage or resources to change. In Iyanla Vanzant's book "Acts of Faith" she says sometimes when we move forward we may have to go alone. That was my mantra! I went alone, proudly, boldly, ready for a transformed and healthy life. That journey was not easy because I did not have the support I needed from the people closest to me. So naturally I became angry! I began to express my pain and anger every chance I got. I told my family and friends what I thought about their choices in life and how they were settling for less. I also learned to let go!

Through my transformation I went through growing pains. I wanted so badly to break the cycle of neglect and abuse I became critical and a perfectionist! The harder I worked at being better the sadder I became. I wanted to be this perfect Christian, and the sweetest girl you could meet. What I began to do was neglect myself, and in the process everyone around me. So I began to practice being kind. Which is funny coming from someone who has been kind sense she was born. In the process everyone close to me was affected. So I became merciful like Christ. I learned how to LOVE the way Christ LOVED. I was so humbled with how much work I had to do I began to be more compassionate to everyone else. I realized that when we "get our house in order" we do not have time to worry about anyone else!

In 2010 I am proof just like the 33 miners in Chile that GOD still does miracles. No matter how dark, cold and bleak our lives look GOD can still bring us out! Every place I went I made sure to show people how great Christ is by still being LOVE while feeling pain. Christ did not only show LOVE to the holiest people or the cool people. Christ showed LOVE to everyone who sought him! On his journey before his death the bible says he would go from place to place seeking out those who wanted a new life. Christ gravitated to the people who just wanted to be healed, who wanted change. Christ died at 33 years old leaving behind a legacy of LOVE, hope, promise, and peace. At 33 that is something I hope I can give to others through Christ who strengthens me. We do not have to be perfect to know Christ. The irony is we must be more human! My coming of age story is about LOVE. LOVE of faith, LOVE of self, LOVE of family, LOVE of life! I have come full circle. To be like Christ is to celebrate who we are. To be like Christ is to accept others as they are. Because Christ whole mission was for us to be free! Free of any burdens that would weigh us down and keep us from giving and receiving LOVE. That is why he died. Like him I have died. Not a physical death, but a spiritual one. I am new, I am whole and I am free!

It Starts and End With YOU!

Reaching toward your own light can be scary, especially if you're used to living in the shadows of everyone else. I am a hard worker. I am a bit of a perfectionist. And I have a habit of making others larger than life. Sense I was a baby I found comfort in feeling like everyone else was better than I was. I wanted to be them and even more than that seek their approval. A few years ago I became tired and bored of constantly living through others. So I challenged myself to live in the now! That is what I did; I started enjoying my life where it is right now. What I did not master until Friday night is putting people on pedestal. What GOD wants for me is the same he wants for you, to walk into your greatness. You first have to know that you are great!

My aha moment came Friday night when I sat and listened to my hero Iyanla Vanzant speak. When Iyanla shared her story the façade faded. When she went to the stage she had a slight limp. You saw before you a woman who has been through a lot and by the grace of GOD was alive to share her story. I was not prepared for the lesson I would learn that night. I thought I would learn to take on the world and have many notes I would post on twitter and facebook. But what happened was totally different. The lessons I learned were not sexy, they were real.

Iyanla human side glowed Friday night. She confessed to everyone that she did not LOVE who she was. While in 2003 when I was reading Iyanla's work and applying these truths to my life she was dealing with a married man. I never would have painted that picture of her while reading her book. In my perception of her she had mastered self-discipline, and was at a point in her life where she was teaching us what she had learned along the way. I did not know she was still on that journey herself. Iyanla said in an interview her lowest moment helped her to put to practice what she had been teaching all along.

The most insight I received that night was while Iyanla was learning the tools she wrote about in her books, I had already mastered them! Yes me, the student, the mentee, the grasshopper. I listened, I watched, I studied and then I lived it. I broke four generational curses that I am aware of on my mother's side of the family. See before Friday night I would have given credit for my growth to Iyanla, to my pastor or my grandparents, but at the end of the day it starts and ends with me. What GOD has helped me to understand is that the women who came before me had a great life, but if I learn from them I will be even greater! My legacy will be my own. Your legacy will be your own.

Imagine Harriet Tubman as she is leading the pack of slaves to freedom. Imagine Coretta Scott King as she walks side by side with her husband the great Dr. Martin Luther King. Now imagine yourself. What are you doing? Are you still living in their shadows or coming out and creating your own legacy? These women had their own lives to lead, their own lessons to learn. Now it is time for us to learn ours. It's time we draw strength from them so their lives will not be in vain.

My nieces and nephews, students, mentees and future children will be even greater than I am due to what I had to endure. They will start a legacy of their own. What was tough for me will be easier for them. Why? It is because they will learn from my mistakes and will be better than I was. That is the legacy that I strive for now. I strive to build my own brand and in 30 years for a young women to tell me how my book has changed her life.

Why Fathers Are Important

My maternal grandfather is the only father I really know. I was born to a mother who dropped out the 9th grade when she was pregnant at 15. My father was 20 at the time and active in the Navy. My grandfather was also in the Navy stationed on the same ship as my father, hints how my parents actually met. At the time my mom hit the streets hard and only dated older men in the military. My father thought my mom was older and they began to date LOOSELY! When my father found out my mother was pregnant he wanted to get married. My mother, not so much.

My father was active in my life until I was three years old. My grandfather moved the family because he was transferred to San Diego. My father remained in Oakland. That's when it all began.

To say that grandparents saved my life would be unjust. They did so much more than I can explain. My parents were very immature and were in no way fit to parent.

My father married and had two more children. I remember calling him and my step mom in the back round trying to get my father off the phone. Shortly he would get off. I thought, what a coward to let a women run your life.

At 12 I would reunite with my father. He had divorced his wife due to his battle with drugs. I remember seeing him and struggle was all over his face. He looked like he had a hard life. I did not know if I was to call him dad or by his name. I choose the latter.

Randy and I would work on our relationship. Due to his battle with drugs it never really worked. His sobriety was short lived and all I would hear is "He doing good" when I would ask my family how my father was doing. Good I thought. Then why hasn't he called? Of course that was all a lie. And I think the reason he continue to dig himself a deeper whole, but I digress.

My father continued to battle with drugs for most of my childhood into my adult life. I have seen what abuse and neglect can do to a family. The pain hurts more than the user. The forgotten victims are the children.

Birthdays gone, no phone calls, broken promises and decade of tears. That is my life. Most people do not know this because I refused to allow others bad choices to become mine own. I was going to break the curse. And I did! Bless the LORD! I had years and years of healing and that journey will never end.

As for my father he is sober now. He has been clean for a year and for the first time in my life he is present. I mean fully aware, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Why father's are important? At 32 I can call my father and talk about relationships. I can tell him about my job and ask what should I do. Catch up on what GOD is doing in his life and gaining strength knowing how much I have helped him. I now know I can be a LOVING, warm, nurturing wife because I restored the relationship with my father. I thank GOD for this, because I know it was not my fathers doing nor my own. It was my heavenly father who joined us together.