Tell Your Story!

I was raised in the hood or urban living as a friend of mine told me yesterday. So dating a crip was normal. That is why til this day I have a weakness for hood dudes. Shout out to 50 Cent!!! So at 8 years old I had a boyfriend. It was normal. In the hood you kinda grow up fast. Although I was in Oklahoma City, the hood is the hood. Period. One of my first friends that I met when I moved to Oklahoma at 8 had seven brothers and sisters. All her brothers sold drugs. Dad was not around(I think he died out in the streets), so her brothers took care of everyone. My friend's sister was 19 and had 5 kids! You read that right. Her first baby was born when she was only 13! My grandmother did not want us to be around these types of influeneces so she went and found girls in our neighborhood who were straight laced. They were in highschool, no babies and had dreams of college.

What I admire about my gradnmother is she knew that she was not a postive role model. So she went out and found girls she wanted to be role models for my sisters and I. Looking back she was very smart for this!

At nine years old I was introduced to Sharrie. She was pretty, played ball in highschool and was popular. To make extra money she would baby sit my sister and I. We would go up to this rec center called Foster Center. That would become my second home. There I was embraced by everyone. They knew my grandparents raised me and wanted to help in some way. This is why I have so much LOVE for inner city communities. There is LOVE there. I am a product of it. Ms. J (RIP) was the manager and wanted to take my sister and I under her wing.

At ten Ms. J showed me things outside the hood. I went to her home that she bought on her own at 36! She began to build her new home in a town called Edmond Oklahoma. At that time no one black lived there. It was an affluent community, only the wealthy lived there. Which happened to be all white. Blacks begin to pour in and wanting a better life outside of Oklahoma City.

I remember going up to Ms. J's house that she was building from stratch. She said something I will never forget. If you go to college you can get a house like this. Coming from a family that just lost their home and moved into a apartment complex, I felt I had hope. School? Where do I sign up I said to myself. From that point on I wanted to go to college. So one day I can have a nice home. Oddly enough the college I graudated from was in Edmond Oklahoma. Thank you Ms. J!

Then there was the other influence, my peers. Girls giving head in the 5th grade was talked about. They were my friends. My closest friend in the 7th grade had a baby at 12. She hid it from me because she knew that I would not think that was ok. See, I was considered the "good girl" then. Wanting to fit in was something I wanted badly. Although I was told "men don't want fast girls", I seen they did with my own eyes. So I was often confused, but wanting to be a "good girl" I kept my legs closed and my eyes open!

What has influenced me the most was in my home. Most people do not know that both my mom and grandmother battled alcohol my whole childhood. It robbed me of my peace, stablity and most of all feeling LOVED. My mom gave birth to twin girls at 16years old. From the moment she gave birth to me and my twin sis she was not around. My father was 20 and wanted to get married but my mom was cool on that. So my mom's parents raised me.

I remember seeing my mom come home with one suitcase because the man she thought LOVED her did not LOVE her any more. My grandmother would let her come home, she would stay for three weeks maybe a year. Then she was gone and I never seen her until another man decided that he did not want her living with him any more. My mom would swear she never had sex with these men who took care of her. My sister and I would just laugh. We were mature for our age. So we knew a man will not take care of you, let you live in his house and not get no coochie. Sorry! The fact my mother was not comfortable with her sexuality was why she was a victim. Also she would lie and say my grandmother "took" her children away from her. These said men would call my grandmother upset, only to find out the truth. She was then sit home living in the same house with the children she abandoned.

Abandonment is real for me. My fear of being hurt runs deep. So I told myself at 15 I would only have sex with a man I knew that LOVED me. Not feeling LOVE at home I wanted that in a man. I then decided at 20 that waiting to have sex until marriage was best practice for me. Being how emotionally fragile I am and loyal to a fault. I am not going to run after a man and forget what my purpose is. I knew GOD had a plan for me from 10 years old although my environment was rough. I did not want anyone to get in the way of that. So I am 32 and still a virgin!

Struggling through all of my history, I had to find peace. My soul craved it! So I would run to the church. I learned a lot by going to church. I LOVE church and it's fellowship is what GOD designed it for. I had to build a bridge between the streets from which I came and church where I am in the present. I did not want to knock anyone because I know what it is like to come from a emotionally empty childhood. It's easy to give in and to give up!

One day I went to a pinic with my sister in Christ from church. I was 23 and heavy into the word. I just started having a personal relationship with GOD. My sister in Christ told me of her cousin who is a prophet. Instantly I wanted to talk to him. I LOVE to hear a word from GOD. I LOVE things that are not seen but felt. So I walked up to the brotha and the first thing he said is stay sweet. Do not change. He spoke to many issues, but one stood out. He said, "do you have a boyfriend?" I said "no". He then said "Do not date. GOD said you are better single because he can use your life. In a relationship you would give everything to that man and forget about GOD." I did not get upset like, what? Be single. I had peace right away! I knew that my life was set apart. So GOD can use my life, my story to be a help to others. For me to live for GOD fatithfully and fully until my husband arrives.

My story is about being lost and found. Confused and then recieving clarity. Know what your purpose is. Why is GOD taking you through what he is? I would not change my oast because it has made me who I am. I praise GOD for my mother and father. And a special place forever for my grandparents. My childhood was tough, but you would never tell by my grace. Allow your story to heal you. Tell your story!

BIG GIRL IN A small MINDED WORLD

I am fat. I have been fat my whole life. Every time I say this to someone I know they say "no your not you just have large breast". Why is it hard for most people to admit that they are fat? I am embracing this truth today. In order for me to make a break through with my weight loss I have to fully accept me for who I am. This is challenging living in a world that wants you to shrink by the idea of embracing being fat. The myth is that being fat means hiding at home all day afraid to leave your home. It means eating everything all day non stop. Being fat means being unhealthy. What is the most hurtful for me is that being fat means you are not attractive. So the chances of me meeting a man that I find attractive and he feels the same about me is rare. The thing is being fat is no longer an issue for me. My issue is how the world responds to me being a fat person.

The first thing a person thinks about when concerning a fat person is their health. This is a valid concern. I am concerned about my health too. Being skinny does not equal healthy. Being skinny just means, being skinny LMBO! Is 50 cent healthy after losing 54lbs in 9 weeks? NO! But he is skinny. A persons health is not necessarily related to their weight. I am pro-health. I have lost 16lbs this year sense I started my weight loss challenge months ago. My purpose is to have a healthy self-image that will influence better habits. Having a healthy self-image is what leads to a healthier lifestyle. If I feel good about who I am right now, my future will be that much greater. But if I hold on to the idea that skinny equals better I will be fighting a losing battle my whole life. And so will anyone else striving to come to peace with being big in a small minded world.

In Essence magazine years ago there was a poll given on the amount of black men who date big women. You may or may not be surprised by the result. According to the poll only 5% of black men date big women. Only 5%? DAMN!!! I am supportive of choices and having the courage to date who our heart desires. Reading this broke my heart. It is already said that there is a black man shortage, now only 5% of of that male shortage are going to want me. Okay, so that is actually funny. My point is that big women are not desirable. We are grouped together as asexual and looked at as friends, Aunts, and so forth. This small minded outlook is what keeps me single. Yes, I want to lose weight but I am fat now! When going out I already tell myself he will not like me because I am fat. I know what we think will manifest in our life. I am not thinking negatively, I am being real. Do I physic myself out sometimes? Yes! But I actually want to be proven wrong in this case:) Of course I know that there are men who LOVE big girls. GOD bless them, but that does not change the fact that most men are not attracted to big women. Being judged for what you look like and not who you are is a constant complaint from women about men. The only answer I get is that men are shallow. So I am supposed to accept him for who he is, but I have to lose 30 lbs for him to ask me on a date. This is very small minded. I want someone to LOVE me at my worst or he will not deserve my best.

In society to be fat, plus size, or consider a big person is negative. I mean who wants to be fat? There are limited images supporting beautiful women of different body types when looking on t.v, magazines, and in Hollywood. The media is an easy target. What about our neighbors, our friends? This is what society does not want to admit. We live in a weight phobia society. Weight ism is just as powerful as racism, sexism, or any other ism. The fat person is always laughed at. Insecure women find fat women as easy bait. The criticism is high among women who obviously have issues within themselves. When a women calls a women fat who looks just like her I am confused. That is what it means to have bad body imagine. It's deeper than being fat! It is years and years of being told you have to loose 20 lbs for this or that. It's being told in elementary school that your smaller friend looks better than you. It's getting stares when you go out. It's the fat girl jokes by people who say they are your friends.

In order for a women to embrace the idea of being fat that means she has to have the courage to go against the grain. To embrace who she is, even if only 5% of the black men in the world agrees. There comes a time in every grown women's life that she has to greet herself at her own mirror. Not the world's. Having the courage to say I am fat. Stop beating everyone to the punch with criticism of your weight so you won't be hurt or embarrassed. Tell someone that it hurts when they are critical of people who are fat, and to grow up! If we are going to have a healthy self-image we have to make sure the people around us reflect what that is. Being a big girl in a small minded world is a constant reminder of that I am fat. Instead of allowing that truth to make me feel inferior, I now use it as a strength. I am who I am. LOVE me or leave me alone!

Teaching and Teachers Matter

April 11-17 2010 was the week of the young child. Every year NAEYC(National Association for the Education of Young Children)has a week dedicated to young children. The themes for the week of the young child varied from Play: Where learning begins, Encouraging Health and Fitness to Teaching and Teachers Matter. As an educator I based my lesson plan this week on fun activities that promote learning through play. To look deeper into how my teaching effects my students I took to heart the theme Teaching and Teachers Matter.

Everyone can remember their favorite teacher. What about the teacher who passed out gifts for well behaved students? What about the teacher who gave parties and made cupcakes and cookies? Or the teacher who always picked you as the helper? The other students who where jealous teased you and called you "teachers pet" LOL. What about the teacher who never picked you as the helper? The teacher who always seemed negative and it effected you emotionally? It has been said that the teacher who effects us the most is the latter. The teacher who was the negative influence in our lives.

As a teacher I always think how my behavior is effecting my students? How will their futures be influenced by how I teach them today? I have the honor and privilege to teach preschool. Yes, I have my work cut out for me. Everyday there are new set of problems that I have to work collectively with others to solve. As the classroom manager I have to help solve issues between co-teachers. I have to make sure that lesson plans are purposeful, with meaning and are child centered activities daily. Not to mention my paper work! So it is important for me that what I teach is as important as what I do. To teach is to lead by example. This is why parents are the first teachers in a child's life.

Parents role in teaching is the source of how the child will respond in school. For example, if the children are in a home where their parents sit down and read to them, that child will have a LOVE for reading and learning. For the child who does not have that luxury at home, is what makes my responsibility as a teacher that much greater. This is why there must be a collective effort from everyone that is in a child's life! Teaching and teachers matter. It does not matter if you are the child's parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, family dentist, firefighter, writer, or teacher. Our work is to give our children a life free of violence, hate, and ignorance. We must ask ourselves what have I given to our children. What has my life taught a child who will be effected in some way by me being active in their lives.

My mission as a teacher is to make learning fun and purposeful. I want my students to have a desire to learn, ask questions, and be free to be themselves. That is what my teaching environment supports. What does yours?