Tell Your Story!

I was raised in the hood or urban living as a friend of mine told me yesterday. So dating a crip was normal. That is why til this day I have a weakness for hood dudes. Shout out to 50 Cent!!! So at 8 years old I had a boyfriend. It was normal. In the hood you kinda grow up fast. Although I was in Oklahoma City, the hood is the hood. Period. One of my first friends that I met when I moved to Oklahoma at 8 had seven brothers and sisters. All her brothers sold drugs. Dad was not around(I think he died out in the streets), so her brothers took care of everyone. My friend's sister was 19 and had 5 kids! You read that right. Her first baby was born when she was only 13! My grandmother did not want us to be around these types of influeneces so she went and found girls in our neighborhood who were straight laced. They were in highschool, no babies and had dreams of college.

What I admire about my gradnmother is she knew that she was not a postive role model. So she went out and found girls she wanted to be role models for my sisters and I. Looking back she was very smart for this!

At nine years old I was introduced to Sharrie. She was pretty, played ball in highschool and was popular. To make extra money she would baby sit my sister and I. We would go up to this rec center called Foster Center. That would become my second home. There I was embraced by everyone. They knew my grandparents raised me and wanted to help in some way. This is why I have so much LOVE for inner city communities. There is LOVE there. I am a product of it. Ms. J (RIP) was the manager and wanted to take my sister and I under her wing.

At ten Ms. J showed me things outside the hood. I went to her home that she bought on her own at 36! She began to build her new home in a town called Edmond Oklahoma. At that time no one black lived there. It was an affluent community, only the wealthy lived there. Which happened to be all white. Blacks begin to pour in and wanting a better life outside of Oklahoma City.

I remember going up to Ms. J's house that she was building from stratch. She said something I will never forget. If you go to college you can get a house like this. Coming from a family that just lost their home and moved into a apartment complex, I felt I had hope. School? Where do I sign up I said to myself. From that point on I wanted to go to college. So one day I can have a nice home. Oddly enough the college I graudated from was in Edmond Oklahoma. Thank you Ms. J!

Then there was the other influence, my peers. Girls giving head in the 5th grade was talked about. They were my friends. My closest friend in the 7th grade had a baby at 12. She hid it from me because she knew that I would not think that was ok. See, I was considered the "good girl" then. Wanting to fit in was something I wanted badly. Although I was told "men don't want fast girls", I seen they did with my own eyes. So I was often confused, but wanting to be a "good girl" I kept my legs closed and my eyes open!

What has influenced me the most was in my home. Most people do not know that both my mom and grandmother battled alcohol my whole childhood. It robbed me of my peace, stablity and most of all feeling LOVED. My mom gave birth to twin girls at 16years old. From the moment she gave birth to me and my twin sis she was not around. My father was 20 and wanted to get married but my mom was cool on that. So my mom's parents raised me.

I remember seeing my mom come home with one suitcase because the man she thought LOVED her did not LOVE her any more. My grandmother would let her come home, she would stay for three weeks maybe a year. Then she was gone and I never seen her until another man decided that he did not want her living with him any more. My mom would swear she never had sex with these men who took care of her. My sister and I would just laugh. We were mature for our age. So we knew a man will not take care of you, let you live in his house and not get no coochie. Sorry! The fact my mother was not comfortable with her sexuality was why she was a victim. Also she would lie and say my grandmother "took" her children away from her. These said men would call my grandmother upset, only to find out the truth. She was then sit home living in the same house with the children she abandoned.

Abandonment is real for me. My fear of being hurt runs deep. So I told myself at 15 I would only have sex with a man I knew that LOVED me. Not feeling LOVE at home I wanted that in a man. I then decided at 20 that waiting to have sex until marriage was best practice for me. Being how emotionally fragile I am and loyal to a fault. I am not going to run after a man and forget what my purpose is. I knew GOD had a plan for me from 10 years old although my environment was rough. I did not want anyone to get in the way of that. So I am 32 and still a virgin!

Struggling through all of my history, I had to find peace. My soul craved it! So I would run to the church. I learned a lot by going to church. I LOVE church and it's fellowship is what GOD designed it for. I had to build a bridge between the streets from which I came and church where I am in the present. I did not want to knock anyone because I know what it is like to come from a emotionally empty childhood. It's easy to give in and to give up!

One day I went to a pinic with my sister in Christ from church. I was 23 and heavy into the word. I just started having a personal relationship with GOD. My sister in Christ told me of her cousin who is a prophet. Instantly I wanted to talk to him. I LOVE to hear a word from GOD. I LOVE things that are not seen but felt. So I walked up to the brotha and the first thing he said is stay sweet. Do not change. He spoke to many issues, but one stood out. He said, "do you have a boyfriend?" I said "no". He then said "Do not date. GOD said you are better single because he can use your life. In a relationship you would give everything to that man and forget about GOD." I did not get upset like, what? Be single. I had peace right away! I knew that my life was set apart. So GOD can use my life, my story to be a help to others. For me to live for GOD fatithfully and fully until my husband arrives.

My story is about being lost and found. Confused and then recieving clarity. Know what your purpose is. Why is GOD taking you through what he is? I would not change my oast because it has made me who I am. I praise GOD for my mother and father. And a special place forever for my grandparents. My childhood was tough, but you would never tell by my grace. Allow your story to heal you. Tell your story!