The Incurable Romantic

The mystery of the romantic: who are we? The Romantics or also called The Lover have been defined as people who live on their own terms. Think Amy Winehouse. We long to be loved and we have a yearning for connection. Romantics have a tough time finding their way due to being overwhelmed with emotions, deep emotions that make them vulnerable to heartbreak. Romantics are mostly known as artist, writers, musicians, dancers, and entertainers who create through heartbreak, passion, a longing for a soul mate, and a place to call home. Lovers see themselves as special and different from the rest of the world. We recognize that the world is dark and we enjoy people, the ones who will gladly bring light! That light comes in the form of love, and of course us romantics love, love, love, the art of love.

The knight and shining armor is the type of man I have longed for since I was a little girl. My deepest secret was I wanted to be rescued. When I turn 18, I would say to myself at 8 years old; my soul mate will come and take me to a place where I would hurt no more. What many don’t know about romantics is that they have troubled childhoods. They have been abandoned by their parents as children. Romantics have been abandoned in many forms by a parent or guardian who has either over worked, emotionally unavailable, or in my case literally abandoned them. The loss of the parent leaves the romantic feeling hopeless, pining for a lost connection that has been missing as long as they have been alive (Sandra Maitri). The pain engulfs you. Not feeling good enough haunts you. Why did my mom and dad leave me? Wasn’t I worthy to be loved? I have asked that question many of times. A romantic may spend their whole lifetime trying to fill that void. A void that can be filled by accepting the Self as you are, which is a constant struggle for a romantic. I am an idealist, believing I have to be perfect. In my head I have to be this perfect image and sabotaging my love life in the process. I long and want to be in love so bad, but will not enter a relationship until I “fix” my flaws. The suffering is what we know and often what we cling to! And numbing the pain by shopping, sex, over pleasing, isolation, drugs, and foods especially sweets. To become whole the romantic must accept that they are human and it’s okay to have flaws like everyone else! That we like everyone else deserves to be loved too.

Toni Wolf, a Freudian analyst came up with the feminine types of women. These many archetypes help look at the romantic at a deeper level. I am Aphrodite; Goddess of love and Hetaria; Women who were educated to be psychological companions to men. The Hetaria is able to see into the soul and depths of a man and not the social personality. Some definitions see the Hetaria as a prostitute when she was a lover. These archetypes are said to express their femininity with beauty, hair, clothes, enjoying life to the fullest, fine dining and of course, men! Like Hetaria and Aphrodite I identify with my feminine side and that is how I express myself in the world. I love the idea of love. I love the feeling of love. I love life! I am very sensitive, vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am bold, passionate and live on my own terms. I am no longer afraid to express fear, sadness and loneliness, for I am all of these things. I live for Sex and The City reruns. I am an avid romantic comedy fan but also love gangster/mob/street themed movies and TV shows. Through dark I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I always believe in a better day. Drowning in sorrow, that’s the only way to get me to the next day, hell, the next moment! People don’t get us. You need to be realistic they say. There is no such thing as unconditional love. Well, after all the heartache the romantic has endured and can still believe, then surely you can too.

Fun. Art. Wine.

I believe as I have said before that we are all artist. When creating the life we want it takes imagination, connection, being a free spirit, being LOVE, and a willingness to take some risk. Looking at life from the perspective of a painter, our lives are the canvas and as artist we have the power to hold the tools.

I went to Reiko painting studio in Washington DC for art and wine. My friend sent me the invite and I said yes instantly! I remember the mood was set with great music picked by Reiko, also she had tasty snacks such as crackers and cheese! And the blush wine calmed us and allowed everyone to be in "create" mode. I learned about great creative artist named Jackson Pollock who took a risk and was the first to simply drip and let paint run on a canvas. I learned in my own life I can create a life that is original, inspirational, and innovative. Reiko had us sketch what we wanted to paint on piece of paper first. I instantly began to write words and give them life. As I began to create I felt more and more connected to my work. My deep passion for art came alive. I do not see my myself as a good artist such as a painter or someone who draws well. What I know for sure is that we must not limit our selves based on what is not our strengths and be ready for many lessons! Like an artist I can be a little weird, difficult to understand at times, simple, yet complex. I have a LOVE for culture, people, Spirituality, and see beauty in everything! Let your life be your personal canvas! Create. Create. Create.

Below are some wonderful photos from Arts and Bubbles with me and my girlfriends. If you are in the DC area you have to check Reiko out. Her website address is: www.funartwine.com. She is a super young artist with a beatiful spirit! Hope you enjoy. Blessings!

Tell Your Story!

I was raised in the hood or urban living as a friend of mine told me yesterday. So dating a crip was normal. That is why til this day I have a weakness for hood dudes. Shout out to 50 Cent!!! So at 8 years old I had a boyfriend. It was normal. In the hood you kinda grow up fast. Although I was in Oklahoma City, the hood is the hood. Period. One of my first friends that I met when I moved to Oklahoma at 8 had seven brothers and sisters. All her brothers sold drugs. Dad was not around(I think he died out in the streets), so her brothers took care of everyone. My friend's sister was 19 and had 5 kids! You read that right. Her first baby was born when she was only 13! My grandmother did not want us to be around these types of influeneces so she went and found girls in our neighborhood who were straight laced. They were in highschool, no babies and had dreams of college.

What I admire about my gradnmother is she knew that she was not a postive role model. So she went out and found girls she wanted to be role models for my sisters and I. Looking back she was very smart for this!

At nine years old I was introduced to Sharrie. She was pretty, played ball in highschool and was popular. To make extra money she would baby sit my sister and I. We would go up to this rec center called Foster Center. That would become my second home. There I was embraced by everyone. They knew my grandparents raised me and wanted to help in some way. This is why I have so much LOVE for inner city communities. There is LOVE there. I am a product of it. Ms. J (RIP) was the manager and wanted to take my sister and I under her wing.

At ten Ms. J showed me things outside the hood. I went to her home that she bought on her own at 36! She began to build her new home in a town called Edmond Oklahoma. At that time no one black lived there. It was an affluent community, only the wealthy lived there. Which happened to be all white. Blacks begin to pour in and wanting a better life outside of Oklahoma City.

I remember going up to Ms. J's house that she was building from stratch. She said something I will never forget. If you go to college you can get a house like this. Coming from a family that just lost their home and moved into a apartment complex, I felt I had hope. School? Where do I sign up I said to myself. From that point on I wanted to go to college. So one day I can have a nice home. Oddly enough the college I graudated from was in Edmond Oklahoma. Thank you Ms. J!

Then there was the other influence, my peers. Girls giving head in the 5th grade was talked about. They were my friends. My closest friend in the 7th grade had a baby at 12. She hid it from me because she knew that I would not think that was ok. See, I was considered the "good girl" then. Wanting to fit in was something I wanted badly. Although I was told "men don't want fast girls", I seen they did with my own eyes. So I was often confused, but wanting to be a "good girl" I kept my legs closed and my eyes open!

What has influenced me the most was in my home. Most people do not know that both my mom and grandmother battled alcohol my whole childhood. It robbed me of my peace, stablity and most of all feeling LOVED. My mom gave birth to twin girls at 16years old. From the moment she gave birth to me and my twin sis she was not around. My father was 20 and wanted to get married but my mom was cool on that. So my mom's parents raised me.

I remember seeing my mom come home with one suitcase because the man she thought LOVED her did not LOVE her any more. My grandmother would let her come home, she would stay for three weeks maybe a year. Then she was gone and I never seen her until another man decided that he did not want her living with him any more. My mom would swear she never had sex with these men who took care of her. My sister and I would just laugh. We were mature for our age. So we knew a man will not take care of you, let you live in his house and not get no coochie. Sorry! The fact my mother was not comfortable with her sexuality was why she was a victim. Also she would lie and say my grandmother "took" her children away from her. These said men would call my grandmother upset, only to find out the truth. She was then sit home living in the same house with the children she abandoned.

Abandonment is real for me. My fear of being hurt runs deep. So I told myself at 15 I would only have sex with a man I knew that LOVED me. Not feeling LOVE at home I wanted that in a man. I then decided at 20 that waiting to have sex until marriage was best practice for me. Being how emotionally fragile I am and loyal to a fault. I am not going to run after a man and forget what my purpose is. I knew GOD had a plan for me from 10 years old although my environment was rough. I did not want anyone to get in the way of that. So I am 32 and still a virgin!

Struggling through all of my history, I had to find peace. My soul craved it! So I would run to the church. I learned a lot by going to church. I LOVE church and it's fellowship is what GOD designed it for. I had to build a bridge between the streets from which I came and church where I am in the present. I did not want to knock anyone because I know what it is like to come from a emotionally empty childhood. It's easy to give in and to give up!

One day I went to a pinic with my sister in Christ from church. I was 23 and heavy into the word. I just started having a personal relationship with GOD. My sister in Christ told me of her cousin who is a prophet. Instantly I wanted to talk to him. I LOVE to hear a word from GOD. I LOVE things that are not seen but felt. So I walked up to the brotha and the first thing he said is stay sweet. Do not change. He spoke to many issues, but one stood out. He said, "do you have a boyfriend?" I said "no". He then said "Do not date. GOD said you are better single because he can use your life. In a relationship you would give everything to that man and forget about GOD." I did not get upset like, what? Be single. I had peace right away! I knew that my life was set apart. So GOD can use my life, my story to be a help to others. For me to live for GOD fatithfully and fully until my husband arrives.

My story is about being lost and found. Confused and then recieving clarity. Know what your purpose is. Why is GOD taking you through what he is? I would not change my oast because it has made me who I am. I praise GOD for my mother and father. And a special place forever for my grandparents. My childhood was tough, but you would never tell by my grace. Allow your story to heal you. Tell your story!

The Rescuer

"She had a thing for stray dogs and I am not talking about the one with four legs". So many women are guilty of falling in LOVE with the wrong man. What about our choices in men going as far that it cost us our life?

I watched an interesting story about a 21 year old young woman who always got involved with men who "needed her help". The young women's mother spoke for her because she is now dead. The young lady's mom warned her daughter of the type of men that she LOVED so much would get her into trouble. Mom described her daughter as LOVING and would help anyone. But mom said her down fall was LOVING the wrong men.

That haunting night that ended her life was said to have started with the young lady and the guy going to a party and some say maybe a dinner that led to going back to his place. That is where he would take her life. The reason is unknown and his lawyers are even saying that another women helped him with the killing. What we do know is he was a guy who saw himself as a gangster. He sold drugs and was addicted to cocaine. Now I know some woman would say that's why I don't date thugs. Well he was also a full time business major! This is why we have to get past images and get to the core of the men we deal with. The young lady met this guy at school. One would think her big heart and wanting to help him led to her death. I disagree. I think her need to be with someone who "needed" her is what led to her death.

This personality type is called The Rescuer. A rescuer is the type of romantic personality that only dates men who need to be saved. The men who is between jobs. Lives at home, but has no real plans of leaving. The co-dependent type of men who need other woman to help them function in life. Just like a nurse. The woman are the nurses and the men are the walking wounded. These types of women think they will change these men so they can live productive lives. But reality is these men are co-dependent on their women. That is their LOVE subsitute. Feeling needed makes the woman feel LOVED and desired. This false sense of security makes them stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Men who are a danger to who we are need to not be in our life! Of course high insight is 20/20 and the women who lost their life or part of it would change everything knowing what they know now. But what about before the drama and sad ending? Take the time to find out why you are attracted to men who will drain the life out of you. I know this first hand because I was there.

I have never been in a serious relationship. I just felt like my mission is to follow GOD and that should be my main focus. Until marriage enjoy my youth and have fun. So I had some healthy qualities. But I would attract wounded men. The fact that I am a chubby girl I felt I needed to be happy with whoever wanted me. What a sad space to be in. So I would be friends with guys who had no direction and needed my help. Him needing me gave me an ego boost. The men I was friends with thought I was smart and had it together. Too bad I did not think so. I believe GOD puts people in our life to teach us something about our self. I realized I did not have to settle. Being single and having peace of mind is better than having a "friend" with drama! Or worst losing everything I worked so hard for.

My prayer is that women(and men) learn a valuable lesson from this young woman who lost her life. The only person you can save is yourself! The sad part is she was trying to save someone and could not save herself in the end. The irony! I pray peace and healing to her family. May she rest in peace and her death not be in vain!