Abstinence is something that I am passionate about. The debate on whether to wait or not wait for sex has divided many people. You either have the safe sex folks or the good old fashion Christians who preach purity rings and such. The balance between the two is often left out. Why don't we teach sexuality and not just abstinence? Would if self awareness and LOVE was taught and not, well just safe sex? If someone is going to wait to have sex they ought to know why, just like the person who chooses to have pre-martial sex. The real issues is not the sex, but the conditions in which we are having sex. Often times than not young girls do not even enjoy sex. Women do not even learn their bodies til much later because they are not being taught. My question is if we are not enjoying sex, why are we having it? If we are honest, people who had sex at young ages did not even know what they were doing. So sex seems to be done out of fear of being judged and left out. Funny because that is exactly why many young people choose to not have sex as well.
So, wait to have sex? At 19 I asked myself that very question. I decided that I would wait until I fell in LOVE with a man and he would be my first. Interestingly enough 13 years later I have yet to fall in LOVE. Yep, I am a 32 year old virgin. GOD had the final say. My purpose was and still is to live for him and wait to have sex until marriage. My mission and purpose is to help people to rethink Christianity, being a virgin, sexuality, to promote healing, well being and emotional strength. Until my death that is what I am here to do.
Embracing my calling as you can imagine was no easy task. At one point I was self righteous. I had to humble myself because no one wanted to be around me. I was holier than thou. Always wanting to be right. Playing GOD instead of living through him. I had a lot to learn.
See I did not miss sex at first. The reason was I was disconnected from my body. That's right. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally dead. No vision, no purpose. But I did not know! My ego lead me to believe I knew everything. I then realized what looked right for someone else may not look the same for me. That's OK. When I opened my eyes to what GOD wanted me to be, which was more compassionate, understanding and supportive to my brothers and sisters I asked GOD to forgive me. I was ready to start my journey. This time I was ready.
Jesus is what my friends affectionately call me. Everyone close to me knows how serious I am about the Lord. See I stopped going around preaching what to do, I began to live it! I believe our lives is our biggest ministry. So I use it wisely. With that said, I am not perfect or strive to be. I am a sexual being, made in the image of Christ. I was created for my husband and him for me. My desire and longing for him was from birth. Trying to repress sex is not healthy. I did not always know this.
In order to be a virgin it has been taught to cut off any sexual desires. So that is what I did for years. This is the opposite extreme of having sex with multiple men. Neither is healthy. Having multiple partners before marriage to me is emotional suicide. Having different men entering inside of me, releasing and then saying goodbye? How do I cut off my emotions? How do I not feel bad for wanting him to stay with me? I don't know? That's why I am a virgin. Yes, I can disconnect with the best of them, that is not healthy either. Waiting for marriage is putting what's best before what's good at the time. It's saying I want to have a partner to give himself to me and me only for the rest of our lives.
I know you maybe thinking, how do you know if someone is great in bed or not if you do not have sex? Here is how. Kissing. Yes, a man can tell you a lot by how he kisses, honey. Fast or slow. Tongue or no tongue. Even the way he holds you will let you know if he is gentle. Intimacy can be massages with oil, feeding each other dinner, long walks and good conversation. You do not have to have sex with a man to know if he is good in bed. I know most people disagree, but how many people had a feeling that someone was not going to be good in bed before having sex with them? Then deciding to have sex and was disappointed and wished you would had followed their heart?
What about the car test theory? You know the one where everyone says you have to test drive your car before you buy it? I don't know about you but I don't have to test drive a C Class 2010 Benz(sedan to be exact) to know I want to take it home with me! Driving the car would make me want it more even if I can't afford it! Lusting for the car I test drive it, take it home and then I am emotionally drained by the high car payments.
My point is you don't have to "test drive" to know if you would like having sex or not. It is called chemistry! If two people have great chemistry then they can work TOGETHER on what does not work. Chemistry means both have the same values, sexual taste, music etc. in common. This will let you know if you are not compatible than test driving would just be another emotionally draining experience.
Being a virgin is and will always be a difficult choice. I will not say it is easy. So I gain strength by having a better relationship with myself and GOD. I began to study for myself. I learned that masturbation is not forbidden in the Bible at all. Yes, I know. So I began to masturbate. I needed an outlet sexually. After connecting to GOD I no longer felt guilty. I finally owned my body and know what I like and don't like. What touches are good and bad. I practice tantra yoga, which helps me to channel my sexual energies. I also explore through sex toys and different healthy ways to channel my sexuality. My theory is if you stay ready you don't have to get ready. I do not want a man who is not comfortable with his sexuality so why would I be? Being comfortable with our sexuality is a birth right! My sexual desires for my husband was put inside of me on purpose. Those are signs that I am not meant to be alone. I do need a man and he also needs me.
Born again virgin? Never had sex? Waiting for marriage? Having sex when you fall in LOVE? Having sex when you want to? Sex is an important part of our everyday life. Deciding what is best for you is personal. It is not my place to judge. As adults we have to know why we choose to have sex. We can not have the emotional maturity of a teenager and not know who we are or what we are doing! If you want to wait to have sex do it! Have the courage to live the life that you know GOD has called for you. As a friend told me, when you live for Jesus everything will go your way!!
Staying true to what you believe in (especially when it's not the popular choice is tough). Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHow did you conclude masturbation is okay in the Bible?
ReplyDelete@ Doesn't Matter thank you very much! Pray with me, I need the encouragement. GOD bless you!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous I did not conclude it was "okay". If I wrote that, that was a mistake on my part. I did not find anything in the Bible that spoke of masturbation at all. All I read was scriptures that were "related" and preachers ran with that.
ReplyDeleteA minister friend I had as a young girl decided to have this blessed Sunday school class. It was only for 18 and up, married, divorced, single, and widow members of the church. He had a table filled with books and said to the class if there is any questions we have with the word, do the research ourself! So I took the book about sexuality. That was something I always felt gulity about. When I read the book I was surprised the author said there are no scriptures that speak of masturbation. There are scriptures that speak of a man only touching his wife and so forth. So she(the author) said if you feel gulity than don't do it. But there is NO DIRECT scripture against it. If there is I want to read it. That is how I feel. If a person(s) feels gulity about masturbation pray about and do what you feel is right for you. I prayed and I decided that it was ok for me to do it because my guilt came from judgment of man, not GOD.