What Lies Beneath?

Have you ever taken the time to break down what it is you want? Not just what we want, but the root of what we want? Looking deeply at our wants helps us to see the REAL reason behind our motivations.

 

Being a Scorpio it is not tough for me to dig deep. Hell, I go deep on a regular basis. I thrive on finding out the secrets of life and using them as keys to get me to a better place in my life. I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with going deep. They are not in touch with their emotions. Digging deep is an emotional journey that takes time and patience. Being that you may not feel comfortable at first, or at second, but give it a few more tries and it will begin to feel normal.

 

Why dig deep you ask? Simple: Digging deep gets to the core of our hearts true desires. Our core desires allows us to see ourselves for who we REALLY are, not the image we want to give to the world.

 

Digging deep I found out several things about myself. I really LOVE mysticism. As a spiritual warrior I constantly seek new information for strength in my day to day life. I seek less traditional places than most. I seek hidden secrets from places like astrology, numerology and my latest Tarot readings. One of my readings was the Nine of Chalices card. The information on the card said that I need to be sure that what I am asking for it is really what I want. In other words "Be careful what you wish for". The card encouraged me to look deep. It also encouraged me to Break Down what it is I want so I can see the REAL reason behind it.

 

The card gave me an example to help me see what my true desires are. The example was: [Do I want] Outward beauty, or the comfort of being truly loved and appreciated? Whoa! I had to read that twice!!! I struggled being chubby my whole life. I always thought I was pretty. What made me question my beauty was when I met men who passed me over for the skinny girl. Now as a grown woman I carry that with me. I constantly say to myself "he will not date me I am fat". So I lose without even getting in the game! Yes, I want to feel better and look better, but if I am honest it is not 100% for me. My longing for true LOVE pushes me in a corner. Digging deep what I really long for is being LOVED for who I really am. Being smaller is a quick way to get a man's attention so that is where my energy has always been. But today I desire to be LOVED more than on a superficial level. I want to be LOVED deeply for who I am. My REAL desire is to be truly LOVED and appreciated, not just to be physically desirable to a man!

 

That goal starts with me seeking LOVE today as I am, not losing 20 more pounds and then dating. To wait until "I am ready" is saying I am not worthy of LOVE as I am now. Of course I am smart of enough to know this is not true, but my heart has a tougher time understanding this concept. My point is it is easy for us to get on a soap box and sound so intelligent, but at the end of the day we all want the same thing. We just want to be LOVED for who we are. If we are honest with ourselves we may find that we do things out of character to have it! For me it is my weight, for you it could be something totally different!

 

Deep down inside I long for connections. I have created a habit of keeping my distance. I was raised to trust few people and with a few bad experiences in life I have reasons to. I am now pushing fear aside and making the space in my heart for true LOVE to appear. I am not perfect and this is not in any way to make me or anyone else to feel guilty. This is a simple wakeup call if you will. This practice is to remind us we are human. We are fragile and weak. No matter how successful we are there are dark parts of our character that needs to be addressed. I am finally home! I am at a place in life where I can talk about my short comings and strive to get better inside and out. Knowing our true motivations can be liberating. Well, that's what it is for me! When I tell my truth I expose the enemy. He can no longer hold me in emotional bondage because speaking to the situation gives it light! We do not have to allow our souls to be in a dark place. Reveal your heart's desire by speaking your truth!

 

 

LOVE

If someone asked me have I changed much sense I was a little girl I would most certainly say yes! I no longer allow myself to be a push over. I am finally in touch with my emotions. I do not allow the concerns of this world to bring me down. I am no longer afraid to look a boy in the face, ok maybe just a little. All those things are true, I have progressed sense I was a little girl. The main reason is because I worked hard at being a better person all around. That has been my mission for the last ten years. When I turned 23 my life began to change, I noticed a strong desire in me to grow. After being raised in a home full of abuse and neglect I told myself I have to do better. I had to do better even if that meant moving forward by myself. And that is exactly what I did! The dream of being rescued faded and the overwhelming desire to be independent took over. Then somewhere along the journey I began to desire something else, the comfort of being supported and LOVED. I developed a strong need to have harmonious and peaceful relationships in my life. The need for dare I say a husband and to be cared for. I have not dealt with those emotions sense I was a child. I began to change, a long cry from that vulnerable child wanting desperately to be LOVED. Being that little girl was powerless to me and I needed my power back. Allowing ourselves to go through changes takes us to the place our soul craves. That is for us to come back home.

 

In the second grade I would have my first kiss. It was on the cheek, but yet it was still a kiss. It was not until the summer of the 4^th grade would I have a "real" kiss. That means tongue and everything! See growing up in the hood you moved fast. Everyone knew more than they should from listening to adults talk about their mess. To the neighborhood fights that teenage girls would have over their kid's dad who was by the same guy. I have seen it all! To my 7^th grade best friend hiding her pregnancy from me because I was one of the "good girls" so I would not understand. A kiss was all I was going to give a boy. I was raised to worry about school, work hard and when you are older worry about boys. So that is what I did! Well at least in real life.

 

In my fantasies my prince charming would take me away from all the madness in the world and make my life better. We would go to a place where it was perfect and instantly I became prefect too! I longed for that place, praying for my prince charming to come. Years went by he never came and then one day the light bulb came on, I realized that the only person that could make me happy was me. That broke my heart! The dreams where gone and my heart became harden. I no longer craved LOVE from a man or from anyone for that matter. I put a wall up with my family and everyone around me. Not dealing with the trauma from my childhood began to catch up with me. I was not fine, I was angry, I was hurt; I was no longer that little girl who everyone LOVED. I was no longer the little girl who smiled at everyone and gave a hug. The little girl who teachers adored and had many many friends. I over compensated for not feeling LOVED so I was extremely nice to everyone else to the point of neglecting myself. A natural people pleaser I learned at an early age to neglect myself for others even at the cost of my own mental health. So I became depressed, worried about my sister, my grandparents, and what I felt like my life should be. I was falling apart. I went through grieving stages before I finally had a break through.

 

I first was angry; I hated myself, my parents and my grandparents. Can I be real? The childhood I had was finally being dealt with, and it changed me. I learned to forgive. I learned to accept. I learned to say no. I learned to speak up. I learned to finally be me! I changed. From that stage grew a desire to be better so I read books and joined Al-Anon a program to help families and friends of alcoholics. Through Al-Anon I learned that I had to let go of my desire to control. I had to stop minding everyone else's business and start worrying about my own. Not easy, but I knew in order to get the life I dream of it would take hard work!

 

Years of healing I decided to go into ministry and give to others what I have received. A new lease on life! I was blessed with the opportunity to be free of family bondage and to create a new path for myself. The more I began to practice my new teachings the easier they became. Going home to family members who knew how to press my buttons would be a test. Hell, dealing with family members is STILL a test!! But I learned to soften my heart, to let it go! I would tell my family for the first time how I felt and then let them choose what they wanted to do next. Finally I was responsible for only MY actions and not the little girl who wanted to save everyone!

 

Sherri was a friend I had in school from the 5^th grade up to the 8^th grade. Sherri was not that nice as a person on the outside, but I knew she was just covering up from hurt. I knew deep down she was a sweetheart and I would let her know even as a little girl. GOD just allowed me to see that even as a child. Sherri and I would reunite yesterday on facebook after all these years. The first thing she said to me was "Tasha you are still sweet. I hope you did not let life get you down". That humbled me. She remembered that I was this little girl who LOVED way past my years. I did not care if you sold drugs, was in a gang, had sex, I LOVED you anyhow. And Sherri remembered that, we would send emails back and forth all night last night. When I went to sleep I thanked GOD for sending her my way. What Sherri has done is help me to remember where I come from. She helped me remember the person I once was. The little girl who believed in LOVE and was not afraid to express it! Today that little girl's LOVE radiates through my soul! She is in my very being and breaths me fresh life! That little girl who does not care what a man does but what his heart says he is! My soul craves the unity of this little girl so I can find the spirituality in LOVE again! My soul's journey was not to become serious and rigid, but to be free! My spirit now will be the sweet little girl who adores LOVE songs, holding hands and giving kisses! LOVE does not have to be a burden. It can be the very thing that frees us from the very things that weigh us down. My desire to LOVE gives me new joy I never knew was possible without having a romantic partner to share it with. I now am mature enough to give the LOVE I always gave to others back to myself! I believe in my prince charming again and that he will LOVE me just as I am. Whole, happy, healthy and sweet with a lot of LOVE to give!

 

 

Plus Size AND In Shape?

I remember wanting to be a size 8! I was in high school. At that time it seemed no one was comfortable with being plus size. There were very few plus size stores to shop in. I shopped in catalogs often to find clothes that were plus size and trendy. Stores like The Avenue and Lane Bryant were good, but were a bit old fashion. Being inspired by fashion, I always wanted to be fly! Fly is looking good from head to toe. Toes done, nails done, everything did via Swizz Beats. I began getting my nails and hair done when I started working at 15. So being fancy began years ago for me! My grandmother would say "No one is going to say who dressed that child. They will say who is that child's mother?" So I learned at an early age to look my best no matter how much money I have, my size or if I am just going to 7 eleven. Although, I will throw on a house coat and go to the store in a minute. My environment nurtured a natural diva! Deep down inside I NEVER wanted to be plus size. Who does? I wanted to be smaller, prettier, and for men to see me as sexy! What better way to be sexy than to have a great figure, I thought? Now I will ask: Can you still have a great figured and wear a size 16?

Going to the doctor I remember being told to lose weight. I am 4'11 and at that time was about 170-180 pounds. For my height the doctor advised me to lose up to 60 to 70 pounds to be at my "desired" weight. I thought, what?! So I have to lose half my weight to be considered in shape? How is that? If I weighed 150 and worked out regularly wouldn't I still be in shape? This was in 1994. In 2010 most doctors will agree that being a few pounds over your height/weight requirement would not classify you as out of shape. They would encourage regular work out and a healthy diet. That is what I promote!

At 32 I no longer want to be a size 8. Looking up to Jada Pinkett Smith in High School made me want to lose so much weight. Being that she was short like I am I wanted to look like her. But that is not who I am. Jada is beautiful as a naturally small woman. I am a naturally curvy woman. I had to learn that being in "shape" does not look the same for everyone. Embracing our bodies gives us back control. We are forced to pay attention to it and no longer neglect our bodies in search for a better or perfect one.

I recently found an online blog community that promotes plus size beauty. Everyone is beautiful and they all have different body types. Seeing these women have given me confidence I did not know I had. Not only were they plus size, but fashion experts too. So I now can be fly and plus size! This season in my life I am no longer playing it safe! I am stepping out my box and will be sexy, fun, and sweet all at the same time. And I can be all those things wearing size 12/14 jeansJ.

Sense I first wrote about my weight lost journey I have lost a total of 18 pounds. As anyone who has lost weight, it is challenging. I grew up on fried chicken and candied yams! So as you might imagine eating bake chicken has not been easy for me. For the first time today I went to McDonalds to buy dinner and ordered a salad and not chicken nuggets. That was a big step in my weight loss process. It's not about being a size 8 anymore. It is about being healthy. Making better choices with my life is my goal. I want to live a long life filled with good health, LOVE and financial prosperity. That journey begins with making better choices no matter how small the choices may seem. At 70 years old I want to eat leafy green salads and baked chicken. And from time to time make fried chicken and candied yams.

I know in many plus size circles mentioning weight loss is taboo. But I will say do not box yourself in! Being healthy is not about size, it is about habits. I know many women who are size 5 and have terrible eating habits. It is easy to make this assumption with a woman who wears a size 15. But if that size 15 women ate healthy and worked out regularly she would be in great shape. And when the next trend comes out she does not have to worry if she would look great in the outfit! Being in shape does take commitment to our self regardless of our size. LOVE your body enough to want the best for it. Not just to put on the latest fashion accessory that is easy. Recently my grandfather almost lost his life. It was a shock because he almost lost his life due to his poor nutrition not the surgery itself! I am now going to take better care of myself. I will be the healthiest thick girl I know! I will live outside the box. Finally having the courage to be in shape!