Home For The Holidays

Some may not know, but in 2007 Washington D.C. became my new home. My beloved new hometown, I am very grateful to God for the opportunity to follow my dreams and relocate Washington D.C. area. And the transition was not a smooth one; I cried for two years straight when I moved from Oklahoma City. OKC has been my home since I was eight years old. I left behind my grandparents who raised me from birth, my twin sister, two nieces and two nephews, and many friends. My heart was heavy, but I knew the life God called for me I needed to relocate and that's what I did! That is why coming home for the holidays is that much more meaningful being how much I miss being with my loved ones.

What coming home has taught me this year is that we can be completely healed, removed and transformed from negative family patterns. See coming home does not mean all laughter, no tears from pain and disappointing moments, it means that your love for family is greater than any negative energy. Besides isn't that what the meaning of love is?

Three years ago I would have played the victim, withdrawn and completed held a grudge my entire vacation after the news I received just a day after being back home. But my new relationship with Christ I knew that he was in control. I have learned to pick my battles and have become a peaceful warrior. Being raised in an environment with addictions, neglect, abandonment issues to name a few, I have already been to the bottom. Being healed I only seek being at the top! When I enter dark spaces I want to be that candle burning light! I know I have been reborn. I am not the child my mom gave birth to that came into an environment of sickness, self-hate, depression, and lack of emotions. I am born again, new, whole, complete; the child of God HE created me to be!

Follow Your Heart

What I know for sure is that allowing others to dictate your future is a guaranteed failure. Stepping out on faith and doing what your heart says to do at times can be a very lonely and scary experience. There are times in life where no one will see the vision GOD has on your life but you. At any moment your heart will ask of you to do the very thing you fear. To fully experience everything this life has to offer we must start with our own heart. When you are disconnected from within it allows others to come into your life and talk you out of your personal truth! The older saints in church have a saying "I am glad that I know, that I know, that I know, that I know". It is simply saying I trust and believe in the truth that comes from my heart! It is the comfort of knowing that GOD lives in my heart and he is my guide. When no one else sees what GOD is doing in my life, I do not lose hope because I see it! I have learned to speak up for myself and honor my truth, by doing that I have strengthened my faith in myself. Find peace with the voice inside you. Let that voice heal you and keep you as you go through life. You cannot go wrong when you follow your heart! Do not allow the judgments of others to keep you from doing what your heart says. Reflect, pray, fast and meditate on what your life purpose is. Move forward with that peace of staying true to what your purpose is even if that means going alone. Following your heart at times is a lonely walk, but your heart will be at peace.

Courageous

Do you know the person who has all the best advice in the world but does not have the courage to live it themselves? You know the ones who will call you out for your shortcoming without having the courage to correct those same mistakes in themselves? I am sure like me you know someone who fits those two descriptions. Better yet, at some point in our lives that person was me and you. Through growth and being dead wrong I learned to be less judgmental and more compassionate. Remembering how flawed I am, I have less time and space to be concerned with anyone else.

 

In the bible it warns us of this type of pattern. The problem with this pattern is several things. One problem is that when we focus on everyone else's issues we loose focus on ourselves. Those of us who feel we have to give advice to everyone who comes in our path wither the person ask for advice or not is filling a void. That void is fear of dealing with our self! Stop and think about that for a minute. Is that you? Of course there is nothing wrong with giving advice under two circumstances. If the person asked for the advice or if you have the courage to live what you are saying!

 

The other problem with this pattern is ego. Ego is the part of who we are that needs to be validated by the world. The ego is that part of ourselves that has to show off what we know and come off as a "know it all". When the ego is involved no one learns anything! That is when we have to release ego and allow spirit to come in. You know when you have connected to Spirit because you no longer seek validation from the world. Spirit takes away the desire to prove others wrong and the need of approval. Spirit is an inner knowing that is within us that says I am okay as I am. That inner knowing also says to us what I do not like about myself I have the courage to correct before I find fault in or give advice to others.

 

Courage means the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. The act of courage is a spiritual one. It is not just a physical quest, but one that takes mind and spirit. When we are feeling pain, confusion, doubt and fear it takes courage to pull ourselves out of that place. To lead the life that we desire takes courage. It is not easy, especially for folks like me who come from families with patterns of abuse and neglect. In negative environments you learn early to live a lie and shrink within yourself. Or one I heard everyday "there are no books on how to be a parent". At times we accept failure in ourselves, but are very critical when we see it in others. Recognize these patterns in your life and have the courage to change it like I have in my own life. Have the courage to be the change you want to see in the world.

Adult Children of Alcoholics part 2: My Story

Alcoholism affected my family in so many ways. As you might imagine it tore us apart. The people who suffer the most are the ones who do not even drink. It is the children. I am the oldest of four siblings. I always said GOD gives us special gifts to help us cope with life's setbacks. My gift is compassion. Protecting my family was an honor. I worried when my grandmother drank and hoped me telling her how it hurts the family would make her stop. My brother and I fought often mainly because his behavior was disrespectful and I was not having it! Everyone had to live up to my unrealistic expectations, including myself!

The hero sometimes referred to as the model child is one of the four common roles played by children of alcoholics. It is usually the oldest. In the alcoholic family all the children play a role, for me I was the hero. I was the first of my mom's generation to graduate high school. I was the first in my grandparent's generation to finish college. I wanted to be the example. I hoped if I did the "right" thing I could encourage my family to do the same. What I learned was no matter how "perfect" I strived to be the only person I can save is me. Being "perfect" has taken its toll. And as I write to you today I am done!

I just came to the realization two weeks ago when a BELOVED family member wanted space from me. The little girl inside of me was upset. What do I have to do to prove I LOVE you, I asked myself? GOD said "Nothing, you already have. Now it is their turn to prove their LOVE to themselves". I release the patterns of my past. They no longer have control over me. I pray this for my family and other adult children raised by alcoholics. As kids we had no control, now we have control and it is with ourselves! YOU deserve happiness. YOU deserve to express sadness or anger without guilt or shame! You deserve a life that is healthy and full of people who want you to win. It is now up to YOU!

In photo:Me and my siblings Christmas 2010

Winter and Depression

Winter brings thirty degree weather, snow every other week, and shorter days with longer nights. That gives us all the reason to not want to go outside. Some do not even want to get out of bed. The winter can be a depressing time of year. It can be a lonely time as we sit in our homes in isolation from the world. According to Dr. Michael Bernard he says the winter season calls for "introspective time", as we sit indoors we need to use this to our advantage. Instead of feeling the "winter blues" embrace the moment and listen to what Spirit wants from you in this season.

 

I have learned to listen to Spirit. It is the knowing within that soothes when you feel uncertain. In the moment I am afraid to speak up my Spirit says speak your truth. I would not know what that truth is without introspection. I am one of those few folks who actually enjoy being home on Saturday evenings alone. Spending time alone is a great way for us to have a deeper connection to who we are. What it is our soul yearns for will be clear when you sit and listen. For the bible speaks about listening for understanding. Mark 4:9 says: "Anyone who is willing to hear should listen and understand." We have to train our hearts and mind to listen not just for answers but also understanding. Understanding of what GOD is saying to you, now, in the moment.

 

Through introspection I have learned that during this winter season I feel low. It is easy for me to cancel plans and just decide to stay home. I can't seem to get enough sleep and all I crave are sweets. Striving to lose weight, craving sweets and not being motivated to work out is not a feeling anyone wants to have. Through prayer and meditation I have learned to be kind to myself. To give myself what I want and move on! If my body says I want a day off from a work out? Ok, done. When I crave sweets instead of beating myself up like I did in the past I go and get what I want. Is it every day? NO, of course not, but taking the time to listen to my body I treat it good. When it needs a boost of energy I have a great workout. That's my sign I made the right choice. Last week I pushed myself to work out when I was tired and I had to sit down because my head started to spin. My lesson was not to just listen, but understand that I am not a machine.

 

Seasonal Affective Disorder also known as SAD is a disorder diagnosed in people who feel depressed during the winter season. It is said to start around the end of fall and last until the spring. Symptoms of this disorder are lack of energy, increase need for sleep, craving sweets, and weight gain. Research shows that this pattern begins in the fall and peak during the winter. By the spring mild symptoms will go away. Servere symptoms are depression where there is a lack of motivation to get out of the bed. When SAD is at its worst people have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. About 70-80% of SAD victims are women, and in most cases in their thirties.

 

If any of those systems describes how you feel this winter then seek help. In mild cases you can do introspection by meditation and prayer. I started a candle lighting prayer and meditation for myself this winter. All the lights are out in my apartment and the only light is glowing from one candle. That helps me to get my heart, mind and spirit on one accord. It also slows my body and mind down so I can try to get a good rest. To help me wake up I am going to begin to use a bright light by my bed to give me the boost I need for the day. You can read books on subjects that are related to your symptoms. To be empowered is to be informed! Use this winter season to be self aware. Instead of running from the dark, go towards it. What is it you fear? Confess what you feel and watch your life begin to heal. What are your dreams? What does your heart desire? Write down your revelations about yourself and your new outlook on the world.

In severe cases (mild if you feel the need) see a Dr. Describe your symptoms so you can get help. There are different types of therapies and know you are not alone! Get a counselor and tell them what you have noticed about yourself sense the seasons have changed. Being depressed, feeling low, or simply feeling hopeless does not have to take over your life! Strive to find joy in your darkest hour. Of course everyone wants it to be spring because most of us can not deal with life when it gets dark. We want the success that comes with coming out of the dark, but not the heart ache and pain it takes to go through it! Know my brothers and sisters that what we invest ourselves in during the winter will manifest in the spring!

It Starts and End With YOU!

Reaching toward your own light can be scary, especially if you're used to living in the shadows of everyone else. I am a hard worker. I am a bit of a perfectionist. And I have a habit of making others larger than life. Sense I was a baby I found comfort in feeling like everyone else was better than I was. I wanted to be them and even more than that seek their approval. A few years ago I became tired and bored of constantly living through others. So I challenged myself to live in the now! That is what I did; I started enjoying my life where it is right now. What I did not master until Friday night is putting people on pedestal. What GOD wants for me is the same he wants for you, to walk into your greatness. You first have to know that you are great!

My aha moment came Friday night when I sat and listened to my hero Iyanla Vanzant speak. When Iyanla shared her story the façade faded. When she went to the stage she had a slight limp. You saw before you a woman who has been through a lot and by the grace of GOD was alive to share her story. I was not prepared for the lesson I would learn that night. I thought I would learn to take on the world and have many notes I would post on twitter and facebook. But what happened was totally different. The lessons I learned were not sexy, they were real.

Iyanla human side glowed Friday night. She confessed to everyone that she did not LOVE who she was. While in 2003 when I was reading Iyanla's work and applying these truths to my life she was dealing with a married man. I never would have painted that picture of her while reading her book. In my perception of her she had mastered self-discipline, and was at a point in her life where she was teaching us what she had learned along the way. I did not know she was still on that journey herself. Iyanla said in an interview her lowest moment helped her to put to practice what she had been teaching all along.

The most insight I received that night was while Iyanla was learning the tools she wrote about in her books, I had already mastered them! Yes me, the student, the mentee, the grasshopper. I listened, I watched, I studied and then I lived it. I broke four generational curses that I am aware of on my mother's side of the family. See before Friday night I would have given credit for my growth to Iyanla, to my pastor or my grandparents, but at the end of the day it starts and ends with me. What GOD has helped me to understand is that the women who came before me had a great life, but if I learn from them I will be even greater! My legacy will be my own. Your legacy will be your own.

Imagine Harriet Tubman as she is leading the pack of slaves to freedom. Imagine Coretta Scott King as she walks side by side with her husband the great Dr. Martin Luther King. Now imagine yourself. What are you doing? Are you still living in their shadows or coming out and creating your own legacy? These women had their own lives to lead, their own lessons to learn. Now it is time for us to learn ours. It's time we draw strength from them so their lives will not be in vain.

My nieces and nephews, students, mentees and future children will be even greater than I am due to what I had to endure. They will start a legacy of their own. What was tough for me will be easier for them. Why? It is because they will learn from my mistakes and will be better than I was. That is the legacy that I strive for now. I strive to build my own brand and in 30 years for a young women to tell me how my book has changed her life.

LOVE

If someone asked me have I changed much sense I was a little girl I would most certainly say yes! I no longer allow myself to be a push over. I am finally in touch with my emotions. I do not allow the concerns of this world to bring me down. I am no longer afraid to look a boy in the face, ok maybe just a little. All those things are true, I have progressed sense I was a little girl. The main reason is because I worked hard at being a better person all around. That has been my mission for the last ten years. When I turned 23 my life began to change, I noticed a strong desire in me to grow. After being raised in a home full of abuse and neglect I told myself I have to do better. I had to do better even if that meant moving forward by myself. And that is exactly what I did! The dream of being rescued faded and the overwhelming desire to be independent took over. Then somewhere along the journey I began to desire something else, the comfort of being supported and LOVED. I developed a strong need to have harmonious and peaceful relationships in my life. The need for dare I say a husband and to be cared for. I have not dealt with those emotions sense I was a child. I began to change, a long cry from that vulnerable child wanting desperately to be LOVED. Being that little girl was powerless to me and I needed my power back. Allowing ourselves to go through changes takes us to the place our soul craves. That is for us to come back home.

 

In the second grade I would have my first kiss. It was on the cheek, but yet it was still a kiss. It was not until the summer of the 4^th grade would I have a "real" kiss. That means tongue and everything! See growing up in the hood you moved fast. Everyone knew more than they should from listening to adults talk about their mess. To the neighborhood fights that teenage girls would have over their kid's dad who was by the same guy. I have seen it all! To my 7^th grade best friend hiding her pregnancy from me because I was one of the "good girls" so I would not understand. A kiss was all I was going to give a boy. I was raised to worry about school, work hard and when you are older worry about boys. So that is what I did! Well at least in real life.

 

In my fantasies my prince charming would take me away from all the madness in the world and make my life better. We would go to a place where it was perfect and instantly I became prefect too! I longed for that place, praying for my prince charming to come. Years went by he never came and then one day the light bulb came on, I realized that the only person that could make me happy was me. That broke my heart! The dreams where gone and my heart became harden. I no longer craved LOVE from a man or from anyone for that matter. I put a wall up with my family and everyone around me. Not dealing with the trauma from my childhood began to catch up with me. I was not fine, I was angry, I was hurt; I was no longer that little girl who everyone LOVED. I was no longer the little girl who smiled at everyone and gave a hug. The little girl who teachers adored and had many many friends. I over compensated for not feeling LOVED so I was extremely nice to everyone else to the point of neglecting myself. A natural people pleaser I learned at an early age to neglect myself for others even at the cost of my own mental health. So I became depressed, worried about my sister, my grandparents, and what I felt like my life should be. I was falling apart. I went through grieving stages before I finally had a break through.

 

I first was angry; I hated myself, my parents and my grandparents. Can I be real? The childhood I had was finally being dealt with, and it changed me. I learned to forgive. I learned to accept. I learned to say no. I learned to speak up. I learned to finally be me! I changed. From that stage grew a desire to be better so I read books and joined Al-Anon a program to help families and friends of alcoholics. Through Al-Anon I learned that I had to let go of my desire to control. I had to stop minding everyone else's business and start worrying about my own. Not easy, but I knew in order to get the life I dream of it would take hard work!

 

Years of healing I decided to go into ministry and give to others what I have received. A new lease on life! I was blessed with the opportunity to be free of family bondage and to create a new path for myself. The more I began to practice my new teachings the easier they became. Going home to family members who knew how to press my buttons would be a test. Hell, dealing with family members is STILL a test!! But I learned to soften my heart, to let it go! I would tell my family for the first time how I felt and then let them choose what they wanted to do next. Finally I was responsible for only MY actions and not the little girl who wanted to save everyone!

 

Sherri was a friend I had in school from the 5^th grade up to the 8^th grade. Sherri was not that nice as a person on the outside, but I knew she was just covering up from hurt. I knew deep down she was a sweetheart and I would let her know even as a little girl. GOD just allowed me to see that even as a child. Sherri and I would reunite yesterday on facebook after all these years. The first thing she said to me was "Tasha you are still sweet. I hope you did not let life get you down". That humbled me. She remembered that I was this little girl who LOVED way past my years. I did not care if you sold drugs, was in a gang, had sex, I LOVED you anyhow. And Sherri remembered that, we would send emails back and forth all night last night. When I went to sleep I thanked GOD for sending her my way. What Sherri has done is help me to remember where I come from. She helped me remember the person I once was. The little girl who believed in LOVE and was not afraid to express it! Today that little girl's LOVE radiates through my soul! She is in my very being and breaths me fresh life! That little girl who does not care what a man does but what his heart says he is! My soul craves the unity of this little girl so I can find the spirituality in LOVE again! My soul's journey was not to become serious and rigid, but to be free! My spirit now will be the sweet little girl who adores LOVE songs, holding hands and giving kisses! LOVE does not have to be a burden. It can be the very thing that frees us from the very things that weigh us down. My desire to LOVE gives me new joy I never knew was possible without having a romantic partner to share it with. I now am mature enough to give the LOVE I always gave to others back to myself! I believe in my prince charming again and that he will LOVE me just as I am. Whole, happy, healthy and sweet with a lot of LOVE to give!