Revolving Door

I was a woman with daddy issues so I have been very accommodating in relationships.  My revolving door relationship with my father has affected my relationships with men.  My father has been in and out of my life since I was a baby.  Spinning me in circles emotionally coming in and out of my life.

I finally have had enough.  I haven't spoken to my father in years and suddenly I get a greeting card from him this past summer. The card I received from my father was him apologizing to me for the time we had lost and making promises he doesn't keep.  And like in true Tasha fashion I let him back in.  Only for him to continue to act like I am a hindrance to his life cause he can't find time for me.  See, he remarried and has kids.  They see him and get love daily while I pine for him and beg for call backs.

After allowing my father another chance to be in my life I began to do a lot of reflection.  My addiction to pain keeps me going back to dead end situations.  I had to finally face my own truth.  Sorrow and neglect became my love language.  The more detached he is the more I want to save a man.

Going into the new year I wanted to stop this pattern.  No one will be allowed to leave and come back in my life any more.  I will love you and hope for the best, I'm no longer the angry black girl with daddy issues.  I am healing and seeking a mutual satisfying love life.  We will not constantly argue but discuss differences.  We will seek solution not run away.  This time I am loving my own way.  Letting anyone go for good who doesn't want to stay.  I no longer have an open door policy.  I will gladly open the door for you to go if you can live a life without me actively apart of it, just know the door will be closed behind you for good.

Music Mondays: The Foreign Exchange - So What If It Is

"Don't you worry bout the pain of yesterday, just remember to live. Don't be afraid it's not the end of your world but so, so what if it is" ~Phonte

Riding the train on a long commute home from my former job in DC I checked my twitter timeline. Phonte Coleman posted that there would be a new song by Foreign Exchange coming out that day. Being a long time fan I went directly to his twitter page to get the link. As I heard the song first of all, the music during the intro gives me the most amazing feeling. I could stay in that space forever, listening to the intro over and over. Once getting to the lyrics I was blessed by the simple words “It’s not the end of your world…so what if it is”. Going home emotionally drained and wondering if I should quit my job, I felt like it was the end of the world. And it was the end of my world, at least that part of it. What I learned in that moment was so what if everything comes crashing down; your life gets turned upside down. It is heartbreaking, but if you’re blessed to see another day it will get better so remember to live! It’s not the setbacks that define us, but how we recover is what does. I have below the lyrics that helped free me from the prison of my plan and releasing my life to God allowing a new journey to take place. What must come to an end in your life? What is God asking you to free yourself of? While you reflect on that, enjoy the music below. With pleasure here is the new single on the upcoming Foreign Exchange remix album titled “The Reworks “, “So What If It Is”.

Lyrics by Phonte Coleman
Everybody's got their song and dance about
What it means to struggle and to go without
No one thinks that they're part of the problem yes it's true
It's true

People running scared amidst these changing times
Recession, depression, unemployment lines
Everybody needs a little healing yes they do
They do

Now's the time to raise your voice and lift your hands
Show your love to every woman every man
Nobody believes things will get better but I do
I do

Don't you worry bout the pain of yesterday
Just remember to live
Don't be afraid it's not the end of your world but so
So what if it is

Everybody's searching trying to find a way
Reaching through the darkness for a brighter day
Looking for the sunshine in a sky that smiles so blue
So blue

Now's the time to raise your voice and lift your hands
Show your love to every woman every man
Nobody believes things will get better but I do
I do

Music Mondays: Smokie Norful - I understand

We all have dark days, sometimes more dark days then light. Trying to make since out of the confusion in my life currently, I woke up Friday morning and "I Understand" by Smokie Norful came to me in my spirit. I instantly started singing the lyrics and began to feel healing in my soul. I have the lyrics and the song below. Please brothers and sisters know that you do not suffer alone. God sees all and HE does understand. Yes, it’s tough and I have gone from angry, to sad, to being at peace, to angry again. You do not suffer alone; I am going through it too. How do I seek comfort? Praise God through my confusion, hurt and pain. Be still and listen. And when I don't hear God's voice, I trust HIS plan. What an awesome testimony you will share when it is all over. Be blessed you all and I Love you!

Sometimes I feel like giving up
It seems like my best, just ain't good enough
Lord if you hear me, I am calling you
Do you see, do you care
All about what I'm goin' through

And then HE said, one more day
One more step, See I'm preparing you, for myself
And when you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan
I am the Lord, I see, and yes, I understand

But sometimes I feel like I'm all alone
I'm just like a stranger so far from home
I feel like I've done all that I can do
Please Lord, give me strength, I'm just tryin' to make it through
That's when HE told me

One more step, yeah
Oh my child, I'm preparing you, for myself
And when you can't hear my voice
Please just trust my plan
I am the Lord, I see you, and yes, I understand

HE knows just how much we can bare
And in the time of trouble HE promised
HE would always be there
Oh, I understand
The Lord is telling you, yes I understand
I am the Lord, I see you, and yes, I understand

This is what HE says
I am the Lord I changeth not
I won't forget nor have I forgot
You see everything works according to my plan
I am God, trust me, I got the whole world in my hands

Oh, one more day, yea (One more step)
I'm preparing you, all for myself
I'm getting you ready
(And if you can't hear my voice)
If you can't hear me speaking
Oh, just trust my plan

Yea, I am the Lord, I love you, I see you
And I understand, oh
I am the Lord, I see what you going through
Every problem, every trial, every burden, and every situation
I understand, I won't leave you
Yea Yea Yea, I understand, understand, understand
Thank you Jesus

Home For The Holidays

Some may not know, but in 2007 Washington D.C. became my new home. My beloved new hometown, I am very grateful to God for the opportunity to follow my dreams and relocate Washington D.C. area. And the transition was not a smooth one; I cried for two years straight when I moved from Oklahoma City. OKC has been my home since I was eight years old. I left behind my grandparents who raised me from birth, my twin sister, two nieces and two nephews, and many friends. My heart was heavy, but I knew the life God called for me I needed to relocate and that's what I did! That is why coming home for the holidays is that much more meaningful being how much I miss being with my loved ones.

What coming home has taught me this year is that we can be completely healed, removed and transformed from negative family patterns. See coming home does not mean all laughter, no tears from pain and disappointing moments, it means that your love for family is greater than any negative energy. Besides isn't that what the meaning of love is?

Three years ago I would have played the victim, withdrawn and completed held a grudge my entire vacation after the news I received just a day after being back home. But my new relationship with Christ I knew that he was in control. I have learned to pick my battles and have become a peaceful warrior. Being raised in an environment with addictions, neglect, abandonment issues to name a few, I have already been to the bottom. Being healed I only seek being at the top! When I enter dark spaces I want to be that candle burning light! I know I have been reborn. I am not the child my mom gave birth to that came into an environment of sickness, self-hate, depression, and lack of emotions. I am born again, new, whole, complete; the child of God HE created me to be!

Music Mondays:Kelly Price - I'm Sorry

I did not know Kelly Price released her new CD on May 3, 2011. I downloaded the CD right away and OMG, Kelly Price does not disappoint. She does not have one bad single on the 12 song LP. Going through each song, I was excited for Kelly's great return to music. I finally got to "I'm Sorry" and the tears began pour down my face. I instantly allowed the lyrics to touch my heart. The song is about Kelly in a reflective state of mind. She starts by saying that she is sorry she is leaving and sorry that she stayed, HA! The song continues on as Kelly tells HERSELF sorry and pledging to do better in the future. My GOD, talk about healing lyrics. Kelly Price belts out notes as you can feel she is singing from her heart. I connected with the words and with the pain in Kelly's voice. I too abandoned myself for the world and approval of others. At one point in my life I did not honor my heart or my head when making decisions in my life. But I, like Kelly has learned the art of forgiveness with myself and ready to start a new.

Take this vow with me. Do not let another day go by that you put yourself last on your own list!! Honor who you are, and make peace with yourself today. Your heart will be grateful that you did. Enjoy the song with lyrics below.

I'm sorry that I'm leaving
I'm sorry that I stayed
I'm sorry that I ever let you treat me that way
And I'm sorry that I let a good man get away

But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me

For the times I needed me
And every time I slacked
I'm sorry I gave him my love
And he didn't love me back
And I'm so sorry I gave him my heart
I want it back


But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me

For the wasted time I know I'll never see again
For the drama and the lies that live inside my head
And for loving you (more) than I even love myself
And for every bridge I burned I know I can't return

But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me
I wrote it to say that I love me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me

Where Are You Channeling Your Energy?

I began my weight loss journey several months ago. My energy level was high when I first began. I worked out regularly, ate healthy and began working towards getting to bed on time. Then I hit a dead spot. I felt drained often. I had intense cravings for sweets and fried foods. My energy went from my personal health to what I am not doing right, my to-do list, and why I'm not able to get any rest at night. Goals I made for school did not go through. I felt the pressures of advancing my career and then the added pressure from my current career. Always feeling tired I knew something had to give. I had to focus on where I was channeling my energy.

As the seasons changed I noticed I did as well. Being self-aware I noticed I did not feel my normal energetic, positive self. Then the guilt set in. Then anxiety set in. All energy zappers! I began to crave sweets and I put off working out for one week that eventually ended up being almost a month. Exercise and diet are factors in having a well balanced life. Stop fighting the universe and align with it! The Law of attraction states that we will receive abundant living when we practice abundant living. In short, you get back what you put out. It is that simple. If you want a great body and healthy skin what are you doing to receive that? How much time do you invest in your personal well being? Where are you channeling your energy?

Your beliefs form your reality. You do not like your reality? Change your beliefs. To help shape my beliefs I placed affirmations on my mirror in my bathroom. Every time I look in the mirror I will be reminded of my personal truth. Do you have a favorite quote or an affirmation that helps you when you are not feeling your best? Post that on your mirror, door, wall, or refrigerator, whatever you know you will look at throughout the day. Our mind is a very powerful energy source for the bible says in Proverbs 23:7 (NASV) For as he thinks within himself, so he is.

Our spiritual well being helps us get through low energy times. An active prayer life and just making time for relaxation helps to renew the spirit and give us new found energy. I have gotten back in the word like I did several years ago as I was searching for my personal truth. I now study the word to nurture my soul. The life principles in the Bible give me insight on how to live my life day to day. I put my energy in being a child of GOD, a Christian whose life is a reflection of Christ's LOVE. Instead of always striving to be perfect, I have found peace with just being me. My focus has shifted from always being about my future to living each moment fulfilled day to day. I will continue to put my energy into activities I enjoy and will energize me. I will not go to places or spend time with people who zap my energy. When I want to stay home and rest on the weekends I honor that. Set your intentions to practice better habits of meditation, prayer, tasty healthy meals, getting rest and a desire to exercise. For what you put your energy into will manifest in your life!

Adult Children of Alcoholics part 2: My Story

Alcoholism affected my family in so many ways. As you might imagine it tore us apart. The people who suffer the most are the ones who do not even drink. It is the children. I am the oldest of four siblings. I always said GOD gives us special gifts to help us cope with life's setbacks. My gift is compassion. Protecting my family was an honor. I worried when my grandmother drank and hoped me telling her how it hurts the family would make her stop. My brother and I fought often mainly because his behavior was disrespectful and I was not having it! Everyone had to live up to my unrealistic expectations, including myself!

The hero sometimes referred to as the model child is one of the four common roles played by children of alcoholics. It is usually the oldest. In the alcoholic family all the children play a role, for me I was the hero. I was the first of my mom's generation to graduate high school. I was the first in my grandparent's generation to finish college. I wanted to be the example. I hoped if I did the "right" thing I could encourage my family to do the same. What I learned was no matter how "perfect" I strived to be the only person I can save is me. Being "perfect" has taken its toll. And as I write to you today I am done!

I just came to the realization two weeks ago when a BELOVED family member wanted space from me. The little girl inside of me was upset. What do I have to do to prove I LOVE you, I asked myself? GOD said "Nothing, you already have. Now it is their turn to prove their LOVE to themselves". I release the patterns of my past. They no longer have control over me. I pray this for my family and other adult children raised by alcoholics. As kids we had no control, now we have control and it is with ourselves! YOU deserve happiness. YOU deserve to express sadness or anger without guilt or shame! You deserve a life that is healthy and full of people who want you to win. It is now up to YOU!

In photo:Me and my siblings Christmas 2010

Making A Difference In Our Own Lives!

How much do you give to yourself? Honestly? How much time and energy do you put into, say getting dressed in the morning? How much time do you put into creating something for you to eat at home? The truth is even when we know that taking time for ourselves is important, we simply don't do it! Yep, we get up and think about what to do at work, what a friend or family member needs. We cram our schedules with charity work or events and by the end of the day we are wore out!

In this season of my life I am focused on a few things. My first concern is my money. I will have my car paid off next year! Praise Jehovah!!! That will give me extra money and lots of breathing room. I am getting my passport ready now:) I do not want to just save my money, but to be able to do things I always wanted to do but could not afford it. Saving and investments is my main focus for 2010 and beyond!

The second thing is my health. I have been chunky my whole life. I wrote about that before. Healing is still a everyday task. To say I feel good about myself is one thing. To believe it is another. With so many images with women who look nothing like me, it is challenging to feel good about who I am. I constantly work on my image issues. I have learned that the best way to work on my image issues is accept what I can't control and to have the courage to work on what I can. So losing up to 50lbs is my goal. Sense the last time I blogged about wanting to loose weight I have lost 16lbs!!! The last month has been tough so I gained 4lbs. This week I am back on my grind. GOD knows this is the toughest thing I have had to do. My health is what is most important to me, not just my weight. Our self image is apart of our health. If we do not have a healthy view of who we are, we will never get the weight off and keep it off. It is deeper than self LOVE, it is acceptance. I am who I am. But I know that I am not happy with how I look and I am working on it! Low self esteem no more!

My third goal is working toward my certification. I currently work for Head Start. I LOVE what Head Start does for children and families. As a teacher I am over worked and under paid. The school is year round and I feel I never get a mental break. Putting myself first, I am working toward a better place not just financially but mentally and spiritually as well. I want to be a certified teacher so I can work in the public school. My goal was to work in the public school when I went to college. Due to not passing the Praxis on the first try I decided to work for Head Start. I have gotten a great advantage or Head Start (pun intended) while working for Head Start right out of college. I have great classroom experience and now I need the certification. In the next few weeks I will get a transcript evaluation and go from there. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go forward on my journey. Thank you!

Lastly, Rest is so important. Still, we often over look how important rest is when it comes to good health. Doctors have proven that people who get plenty of rest are less like for health issues. Yet, we stay up late and wake up early everyday as we are off to work. My vow is to get in bed by 10:30pm every night. Right now I am more like 12 ish and finally fall asleep about 1am! I know I am not alone. I wake up at 7:30 am. It never fails I go to bed around 12am and wake up around 7:45 ish rushing to head out the door. Not very healthy I know.

Today I am making a difference in my own life! I will take better care of myself. I ask that you vow to do the same. What have you been putting off this year? Want to start that new business? Vacation overseas? Go for it! Put your self first! Neglect is damaging to the soul. We tell ourselves that someones life takes value over our own. That is not true! You matter. You are important. When we begin to make a difference in our own life, unconsciously we are making a difference in others.

Happy Father's Day!

Today I honor the men in my life. I did not have the traditional up bringing in the sense of mother and father in the home. Most people talk about dead beat dad's but I had a dead beat mom, which is another blog discussion. My grandparents raised me from the day I left the hospital until today! I am still their baby. My grandfather was old school. He did not work when our family moved to Oklahoma from my hometown of Cali for five years. We lived off of his retirement checks. I remember my father volunteering in my classroom. Helping my teacher in the computer and math labs. Although he was extra tough on me, I understand what he was doing. Anytime my siblings and I were in trouble in school my grandfather would drop everything and head up to the school. We knew not to get out of line because my grandfather was no joke! He would walk up and down the neighborhood looking for us when we would be out after curfew. Did I mention he was no joke? My grandfather was not perfect, he was real. He would get up and take me home on the weekends when I was homesick in college. I am truly grateful for him in my life. He raised me when my father was not able to do so.


My brother has been through it in the past few years. My nephew has cancer. Yes, he is only 7 years old. The anger, pain that my brother feels on a daily basis is understandable. But he never complains. When he cries I wish I could do something for my little brother. I can't imagine his pain. See we did not have our biological fathers in our lives. They came in and out. You can't tell that my brother was failed by the men in his life, not by how he raises his kids. He proves you can still be a great father if there were no good examples of what that is! To say I am proud of him would be an understatement. My brother not only is the ONLY provider for his family, he is devoted to being active in their life as well. He is not just a father, but a husband. I was concerned when he married young, I knew it would be challenging for him. But my brother has met and surpassed all the challenges that have come into his life. GOD bless him!


My uncle Kirk told me that he remembers where he was when I was born. He said he was in the 10th grade and someone said over the speaker in the classroom, your nieces was born today. He told me he was so happy his nieecs were born. When he told me that I felt LOVED. He celebrated my life. When my father was on drugs my uncle would fill in for him when I would visit my family in New York. My uncle would spend time with my sister and I. He took us and his family to cannda to Marine Land. I will never forget that. He took us riding around on his motorcycle in his backyard. I was scared to death lol. I LOVED staying at my uncles house because he would give me the attention I was not used to at home. My aunt and cousins equally showed us LOVE. They were just reflecting who my uncle was as a person. A true example of LOVE.


My father is active in my life today. When we talk now that he is sober, so we have meaningful conversations. For many black women this is not a reality. Often our communities are filled with absent fathers. The effects of that is evident everyday when we look at inner city communities. To say that we NEED fathers in the home is putting it lightly. The other day when I went to footlock a brotha who works there told me this: When a mother is saved in the home 18% of the family is saved, when the father is saved 90% is saved. WOW! I no longer say I don't need a man. The devil is a lie!!! I NEED my father and I am grateful he is fully present in my life. There are fathers who are in the home but not fully present. We need active fathers who can give their children the LOVE they crave. At 32 I am still that little girl who gets excited to talk to my dad. I told my father how I am tired of being given a hard time for being single. He told me that my life is separate. I am living for GOD which means my life will not look life most people. He went on to say I am not missing nothing. Know that when GOD is ready for you to be with someone he will send him. Until then, keep doing what you doing. All my anxiety, fear, confusion, and pain left at once. I then realized the importance of having my father in my life.

For years I said I was ok not having my father in my life. I told everyone that my grandparents made up for the lost. The truth is no one can make up for the lost of your father. I feared men, I secreting resented them too. Angry for being abandoned and not feeling good enough. I have been blessed with many great men who would act as a father in my life. They gave me what I need. For the men who step in as fathers to children that are not theirs GOD bless you today. To the men in my life that showed me unconditional LOVE, I thank you. Most of all to my heavenly father for restoring my soul and helping find my path to LOVE.

Why Fathers Are Important

My maternal grandfather is the only father I really know. I was born to a mother who dropped out the 9th grade when she was pregnant at 15. My father was 20 at the time and active in the Navy. My grandfather was also in the Navy stationed on the same ship as my father, hints how my parents actually met. At the time my mom hit the streets hard and only dated older men in the military. My father thought my mom was older and they began to date LOOSELY! When my father found out my mother was pregnant he wanted to get married. My mother, not so much.

My father was active in my life until I was three years old. My grandfather moved the family because he was transferred to San Diego. My father remained in Oakland. That's when it all began.

To say that grandparents saved my life would be unjust. They did so much more than I can explain. My parents were very immature and were in no way fit to parent.

My father married and had two more children. I remember calling him and my step mom in the back round trying to get my father off the phone. Shortly he would get off. I thought, what a coward to let a women run your life.

At 12 I would reunite with my father. He had divorced his wife due to his battle with drugs. I remember seeing him and struggle was all over his face. He looked like he had a hard life. I did not know if I was to call him dad or by his name. I choose the latter.

Randy and I would work on our relationship. Due to his battle with drugs it never really worked. His sobriety was short lived and all I would hear is "He doing good" when I would ask my family how my father was doing. Good I thought. Then why hasn't he called? Of course that was all a lie. And I think the reason he continue to dig himself a deeper whole, but I digress.

My father continued to battle with drugs for most of my childhood into my adult life. I have seen what abuse and neglect can do to a family. The pain hurts more than the user. The forgotten victims are the children.

Birthdays gone, no phone calls, broken promises and decade of tears. That is my life. Most people do not know this because I refused to allow others bad choices to become mine own. I was going to break the curse. And I did! Bless the LORD! I had years and years of healing and that journey will never end.

As for my father he is sober now. He has been clean for a year and for the first time in my life he is present. I mean fully aware, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Why father's are important? At 32 I can call my father and talk about relationships. I can tell him about my job and ask what should I do. Catch up on what GOD is doing in his life and gaining strength knowing how much I have helped him. I now know I can be a LOVING, warm, nurturing wife because I restored the relationship with my father. I thank GOD for this, because I know it was not my fathers doing nor my own. It was my heavenly father who joined us together.