My Transformation (Journey to breast reduction)

I have a confession. My whole life my breast have been my biggest insecurity. Every time I passed a mirror I would cringe at my reflection. This is difficult to admit because I am afraid to come off as weak. Image plays a large part of what we think of ourselves and I am aware of this truth. What I have learned is everyone has an issue with something concerning their body. The desire to “LOVE me for me” inspired me to embrace myself as I was although my breasts were a burden on me in many ways. To look at ourselves honestly can be a very painful experience.

I managed to find peace with my breast. Actually more like “fake it until you make it” because I hated them! Yes, I hated them! My breast put me at a size 18/20, but my pants size is a 14!! This is the pain that is hard to explain. The challenge of shopping takes its toll on you. I am 16 looking like a middle age 50 year old because I could not find clothes in my size! Then the comments and looks people would give me made feel very low. I did not want to be notice because I knew what people were thinking when they seen me. I know you’re probably thinking it’s just my insecurity and that could very well be true. My insecurity of my breast kept me from dating, being the first to walk into any party, hell even the first to walk into a movie theater. I had to talk myself into being confident. The “fake it until you make it” became too draining and I desired to really LOVE who I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I built my life around being safe. From the time when I was 12 and pulled myself out of the talent show when I realized the boys just watched me dance to see my breast jump up and down. I am a great dancer actually. Only a handful of people know this about me to this day! I carried years of pain, embarrassment and living under my potential my whole life. I was great about making goals for school or my next five year plan on my life. But interacting with a table full of men, not so much! That 14 year old girl whose crush said he did not like me because “her breasts are too big” plays over and over in my head. Unless you have lived it, it is difficult to understand. If you have or had large breast than I know you’re nodding your head in agreement. It’s okay to admit our pain and shortcomings. My pain I carried for twenty years and I thank GOD it is my burden no more!


Moving to DC my life has changed in multiple ways. I believe that where GOD wants
you to be is where your blessings are! A month ago I went under the knife. With my twin sister by my side I found the courage to follow my heart. Tears going down my eyes I thought about years and years of dreaming of this moment and it were finally happened. My life was changing and I was at peace! Weeks of healing has given me time to reflect. Looking in the mirror I feel connected! This is the person I saw in my dreams at 14 years old. After years and years of hating what I saw in the mirror, I had an aha moment! I realized I no longer wanted to look like anyone else; I just wanted to be a better version of me! To see yourself and LOVE what you see is a gift everyone ought to have. Finally I have that. My inner vixen has come alive and I am no longer afraid to express who I am. I feel sexy, sensual, beautiful and complete. Embrace your light! Let LOVE guide your path to a better fulfilled you and watch your life transform!!

Autumn

What you release in the Fall will be replaced by something better in the Spring ~ Iyanla Vanzant

Change, change, and more change has been my theme for the past several months. I have lost weight, changed classrooms at my school, bought new furniture for my home, and had major surgery. My intentions daily are to live a life that is filled with purpose and meaning. To have a purpose filled life some type of transformation has to happen. I’m a fixed Scorpio, which means I will go through a million transformations in my lifetime fighting each one along the way. I LOVE change, just when it is the change I can control. That is why the lesson to release is very powerful not only for you, but for me as well.

What is it that you are afraid to let go of? Is it that relationship that bares no fruit? Is it that dead end job that you complain about everyday to anyone who will listen? This fall allow yourself to release the things that hinder you as freely as leaves fall from the trees. Brown leaves do not hold on for dear life pleading with Mother Nature to allow more time. I only can imagine that the leaves understand their place in the universe and do not get in their own way. Pain from the past, I challenge you to let it go. Guilt trips, feeling ashamed of your body image, putting other people on a pedestal and clinging onto old ways of thinking and being; LET IT GO!

Let go of old clothes. Yes, ladies that shirt that is pushed to the back of the closet let that go! There is a rule that if you have not touched it in a year then you don’t need it! Shoes you have not worn three trends ago give away. I started going to the Salvation Army back in 2005. I went so much I would get a regular call every month asking if I had a package for them to pick up. In life I believe everything happens in a circle or the cycle of life, what you put out comes back to you. This is also called the Law of Abundance. That is why I can put on an outfit for two months and never wear the same thing twice! Give and it shall be given to you says the Lord. Donate your time to your worship center, volunteer, give tithe or offering to your church. Make this season meaningful by living fully in the Law of Abundance. Be the very thing you want in your life. The law of abundance is to know that what you have right now is enough. Let go of the idea of lack. Transform into a new way of thinking and being allowing the Divine power of GOD to work through your life! For when the Spring comes will be proof of what you planted in the fall.

Personality: The Desire to Be Liked pt1

Two weeks ago I went to visit my surgeon’s office for the first time. I was extremely nervous because I did not know what to expect. Sense I was 13 I have had large breast. Finally I have great insurance coverage and if I was approved by my surgeon I would not pay a dime! When the doctor greeted me his hand shake was weak and he instantly started talking about my weight. I was shocked and hurt. He then grabbed my boobs, took pictures of them and shortly after left the room. After the hurtful visit I left heartbroken wondering if I ought to find a new surgeon. Already emotionally spent I said to myself, does his personality really matter if he will do a great job on my breast reduction?

This question I bounced around for days as I was carrying the wounds from my surgeon’s not so kind words in my head and heart. As I talked to family, friends and co-workers about getting a new surgeon I received mixed reviews. “Girl forget him and get another surgeon. He does not have good bedside manner.” Another comment was “You need to look into getting a different surgeon and see what would be the process cause I would not let that man touch my body. GOD is trying to teach you patience”. The comments that my spirit agreed with was “Tash you know how long you wanted this surgery, keep the doctor and afterwards tell him he was a jerk”. My sis said “How much more patient do you have to be to find a new doctor? You only been waiting sense you were 13”!

After prayer and meditation I came to the decision to stay. As time went by I soon forgot about the hurtful words and his lack of good bedside manner. I remember the women who referred me to him as she said he is a “perfectionist” so of course he would expect me be “perfect”. What I also kept in mind is after ten years have passed sense she had surgery she said he was excellent! So the mature and more aware Natasha said I don’t care about his personality as long as he can do his job!

When I left the doctor’s office I asked “Do you think my insurance will cover it”? “I don’t know” he said shortly after. “It could take 4-6 weeks to find out", he continued. My heart sank. I now have to wait another month in a half? My goal was to complete the surgery before the school year. I knew in my heart that the doctor would write a great letter of recommendation to my insurance company and he did! Not because he “liked me” but because he is great at what he does. Two weeks later I get a call that my insurance approved the surgery at 100% of the cost. Sure I would have liked to have a surgeon who was warm and connected, but for me personality no longer matters. I feel if you do your job good you are okay with me!

Follow Your Heart

What I know for sure is that allowing others to dictate your future is a guaranteed failure. Stepping out on faith and doing what your heart says to do at times can be a very lonely and scary experience. There are times in life where no one will see the vision GOD has on your life but you. At any moment your heart will ask of you to do the very thing you fear. To fully experience everything this life has to offer we must start with our own heart. When you are disconnected from within it allows others to come into your life and talk you out of your personal truth! The older saints in church have a saying "I am glad that I know, that I know, that I know, that I know". It is simply saying I trust and believe in the truth that comes from my heart! It is the comfort of knowing that GOD lives in my heart and he is my guide. When no one else sees what GOD is doing in my life, I do not lose hope because I see it! I have learned to speak up for myself and honor my truth, by doing that I have strengthened my faith in myself. Find peace with the voice inside you. Let that voice heal you and keep you as you go through life. You cannot go wrong when you follow your heart! Do not allow the judgments of others to keep you from doing what your heart says. Reflect, pray, fast and meditate on what your life purpose is. Move forward with that peace of staying true to what your purpose is even if that means going alone. Following your heart at times is a lonely walk, but your heart will be at peace.

Music Mondays: Kim Burrell | NEW single "Sweeter"

Kim Burrell has touched our souls with her voice for many years now. With a voice like no other Kim Burrell knows how to minister to our hearts. Back with her LP titled “The LOVE Album” in my opinion, it is one of the best albums of this year. Kim Burrell does not disappoint as she allows the spirit of GOD to use her as she speaks about LOVE and how to LOVE each other the way Christ LOVES us. Remaking songs like “LOVE Me in a Special Way” by El Debarge and “LOVE’s Holiday” by Earth Wind & Fire she makes it clear that LOVE is not just a relationship between man and woman, but also with GOD.

Burrell makes her LOVE message clear with songs like “Pray for LOVE” and her remake of “Jesus Is a LOVE Song” by Karen Clark-Sheard. This is a worship CD! The lyrics heal your heart and the music moves your soul. The music will inspire you to lift your hands expressing LOVE to GOD for bringing you so far and expressing gratetiude because HE will take you even farther. LOVE is the new movement! In order to see a world of peace we have to first be a world filled with LOVE! Who is going to join the revolution with me? We speak and write about LOVE often, but we put it to practice when we live it! Let this album push you to the next level on your Spiritual Journey!

Here is the current single off of the “The LOVE Album” LP “Sweeter”.

Music Monday’s: Inspiration Mix

Music soothes the soul. The melody and lyrics have a way of meeting your needs emotionally that nothing else compares to. Listening to a song that "speaks" directly to you has a profound effect on our well being. Understanding this need I decided to make an inspiration mix for myself. The spirit needs to be soothed and nurtured. What better way to do that than with music! This is a mix that I put on my MP3 player for myself and I want to share it with you.

 

What songs inspire you? Share them with me. There are many more songs to add to the list. Here are a few I picked. Hope you enjoyJ

 

"And You Don't Stop" by Kelly Price

"Walking" by Mary Mary

"This is Me" by Kierra Sheard

"Be Happy" by Mary J. Blige

"LOVE" by Carmen Rodgers

"Spring Summer Feeling" by Jill Scott

"Happy Face" by Destiny's Child

"Future" by Musiq

"Golden" by Jill Scott
 

Music Mondays:Kelly Price - I'm Sorry

I did not know Kelly Price released her new CD on May 3, 2011. I downloaded the CD right away and OMG, Kelly Price does not disappoint. She does not have one bad single on the 12 song LP. Going through each song, I was excited for Kelly's great return to music. I finally got to "I'm Sorry" and the tears began pour down my face. I instantly allowed the lyrics to touch my heart. The song is about Kelly in a reflective state of mind. She starts by saying that she is sorry she is leaving and sorry that she stayed, HA! The song continues on as Kelly tells HERSELF sorry and pledging to do better in the future. My GOD, talk about healing lyrics. Kelly Price belts out notes as you can feel she is singing from her heart. I connected with the words and with the pain in Kelly's voice. I too abandoned myself for the world and approval of others. At one point in my life I did not honor my heart or my head when making decisions in my life. But I, like Kelly has learned the art of forgiveness with myself and ready to start a new.

Take this vow with me. Do not let another day go by that you put yourself last on your own list!! Honor who you are, and make peace with yourself today. Your heart will be grateful that you did. Enjoy the song with lyrics below.

I'm sorry that I'm leaving
I'm sorry that I stayed
I'm sorry that I ever let you treat me that way
And I'm sorry that I let a good man get away

But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me

For the times I needed me
And every time I slacked
I'm sorry I gave him my love
And he didn't love me back
And I'm so sorry I gave him my heart
I want it back


But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me

For the wasted time I know I'll never see again
For the drama and the lies that live inside my head
And for loving you (more) than I even love myself
And for every bridge I burned I know I can't return

But I accept my apology
I'm gonna do better by me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me
I wrote it to say that I love me
I wrote this song to say I forgive me