"Know Your Goal, Make a Plan, and Pull the Trigger"

2001 was the year I transferred to a University from a Junior College. I was 23 years old and my dorm mate was 18 years. Feeling alone and out of place was constant. Not to even mention the issues from my past that I had not dealt with. I had a dream of moving to a big city from my small town of Oklahoma City. I was a Elementary Ed major with a dream to become an Educator. I knew that my life was called for greatness, but at the time I was confused on how to get there. I then read these 6 strategies for success from Dr. Phil(below). I understood that what I wanted I had to see it first and then I would be it! I did not do all six at one time. I took baby steps and slowly but surely I found my way. Nine years later I am an Educator in Washington D.C. area. My vision has come to me and I see myself doing bigger things in the future. Thanks to Dr.Phil I have a blue print on success. Now you will too!!!

A concerned young women wrote Dr.Phil about how she wanted to be successful. She asked if Dr. Phil knew of any role models to help her define success and he told her no. His insightful answer was a role model is personal, so I can't tell you who a role model would be for you. What I can do is share with you traits and characteristics I've observed in the life of those who had succeeded.

How to be a success, whatever that might mean for you. By Phillip C. McGraw, PhD

1. Specific goals: These winners could describe exactly what constituted success for them. They visualized when and where their success would happen and how it would feel.

2. Strategy: They didn't flounder about, trying first one thing and then another. They had well thought out step-by-step strategies for attaining success.

3. Action: They knew their goal, made a plan, and pulled the trigger. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. These people took action.

4. Self-management: They took care of themselves mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. They refused to be dragged down by themselves or others.

5. Passion: They were excited about their goals-pumped and committed 24-7. They couldn't wait to jump out of bed in the morning and talk about, think about, and work on their goals.

6. Support: I've never encountered a true winner who was a lone ranger. These people bonded with others through their enthusiasm. They were surrounded by people who wanted them to win and who lived vicariously through their success.

Ten Year Anniversary

This year marks the tenth anniversary of O the Oprah Magazine. Oprah celebrated by doing a much hyped (as Oprah always does)ribbon cutting event. The event was titled 'Live Your Best Life Walk' to start the first of the marathon this year. Celebs like Mary J. Blige and Jennifer Hudson came out to support their friend Oprah in NYC for the walk. The staff of O the Oprah Mag was on hand as well to celebrate their achievement.

Realizing that Oprah mag has been around for ten years took me back to the first time I began to read the magazine. I was a junior in college. At that time in my life I felt isolated and confused. Seeking clarity I would read articles on Oprah.com. Shortly after in 2001 a year after the mag started I began reading O the Oprah Magazine faithfully.

I would flip to the back to read "What I know for Sure". It was commentary by Oprah speaking on things that became clear to her and she would share her wisdom as a source of inspiration. I would then flip to the front to the context section to find out what page Martha Beck the author, writer, and beloved life coach had to say in her advice section. Martha inspired me to become a life coach. That is how big her influence was and still has on my life. I would seek money advice from Suze Orman and straight forward advice from my beloved Dr.Phil.

This week I will blog about different articles that has been the source of inspiration in my life. Join me as I reflect of lessons and hope they will help you to live your best life!!! Oprah.

Happy Father's Day!

Today I honor the men in my life. I did not have the traditional up bringing in the sense of mother and father in the home. Most people talk about dead beat dad's but I had a dead beat mom, which is another blog discussion. My grandparents raised me from the day I left the hospital until today! I am still their baby. My grandfather was old school. He did not work when our family moved to Oklahoma from my hometown of Cali for five years. We lived off of his retirement checks. I remember my father volunteering in my classroom. Helping my teacher in the computer and math labs. Although he was extra tough on me, I understand what he was doing. Anytime my siblings and I were in trouble in school my grandfather would drop everything and head up to the school. We knew not to get out of line because my grandfather was no joke! He would walk up and down the neighborhood looking for us when we would be out after curfew. Did I mention he was no joke? My grandfather was not perfect, he was real. He would get up and take me home on the weekends when I was homesick in college. I am truly grateful for him in my life. He raised me when my father was not able to do so.


My brother has been through it in the past few years. My nephew has cancer. Yes, he is only 7 years old. The anger, pain that my brother feels on a daily basis is understandable. But he never complains. When he cries I wish I could do something for my little brother. I can't imagine his pain. See we did not have our biological fathers in our lives. They came in and out. You can't tell that my brother was failed by the men in his life, not by how he raises his kids. He proves you can still be a great father if there were no good examples of what that is! To say I am proud of him would be an understatement. My brother not only is the ONLY provider for his family, he is devoted to being active in their life as well. He is not just a father, but a husband. I was concerned when he married young, I knew it would be challenging for him. But my brother has met and surpassed all the challenges that have come into his life. GOD bless him!


My uncle Kirk told me that he remembers where he was when I was born. He said he was in the 10th grade and someone said over the speaker in the classroom, your nieces was born today. He told me he was so happy his nieecs were born. When he told me that I felt LOVED. He celebrated my life. When my father was on drugs my uncle would fill in for him when I would visit my family in New York. My uncle would spend time with my sister and I. He took us and his family to cannda to Marine Land. I will never forget that. He took us riding around on his motorcycle in his backyard. I was scared to death lol. I LOVED staying at my uncles house because he would give me the attention I was not used to at home. My aunt and cousins equally showed us LOVE. They were just reflecting who my uncle was as a person. A true example of LOVE.


My father is active in my life today. When we talk now that he is sober, so we have meaningful conversations. For many black women this is not a reality. Often our communities are filled with absent fathers. The effects of that is evident everyday when we look at inner city communities. To say that we NEED fathers in the home is putting it lightly. The other day when I went to footlock a brotha who works there told me this: When a mother is saved in the home 18% of the family is saved, when the father is saved 90% is saved. WOW! I no longer say I don't need a man. The devil is a lie!!! I NEED my father and I am grateful he is fully present in my life. There are fathers who are in the home but not fully present. We need active fathers who can give their children the LOVE they crave. At 32 I am still that little girl who gets excited to talk to my dad. I told my father how I am tired of being given a hard time for being single. He told me that my life is separate. I am living for GOD which means my life will not look life most people. He went on to say I am not missing nothing. Know that when GOD is ready for you to be with someone he will send him. Until then, keep doing what you doing. All my anxiety, fear, confusion, and pain left at once. I then realized the importance of having my father in my life.

For years I said I was ok not having my father in my life. I told everyone that my grandparents made up for the lost. The truth is no one can make up for the lost of your father. I feared men, I secreting resented them too. Angry for being abandoned and not feeling good enough. I have been blessed with many great men who would act as a father in my life. They gave me what I need. For the men who step in as fathers to children that are not theirs GOD bless you today. To the men in my life that showed me unconditional LOVE, I thank you. Most of all to my heavenly father for restoring my soul and helping find my path to LOVE.

Why Fathers Are Important

My maternal grandfather is the only father I really know. I was born to a mother who dropped out the 9th grade when she was pregnant at 15. My father was 20 at the time and active in the Navy. My grandfather was also in the Navy stationed on the same ship as my father, hints how my parents actually met. At the time my mom hit the streets hard and only dated older men in the military. My father thought my mom was older and they began to date LOOSELY! When my father found out my mother was pregnant he wanted to get married. My mother, not so much.

My father was active in my life until I was three years old. My grandfather moved the family because he was transferred to San Diego. My father remained in Oakland. That's when it all began.

To say that grandparents saved my life would be unjust. They did so much more than I can explain. My parents were very immature and were in no way fit to parent.

My father married and had two more children. I remember calling him and my step mom in the back round trying to get my father off the phone. Shortly he would get off. I thought, what a coward to let a women run your life.

At 12 I would reunite with my father. He had divorced his wife due to his battle with drugs. I remember seeing him and struggle was all over his face. He looked like he had a hard life. I did not know if I was to call him dad or by his name. I choose the latter.

Randy and I would work on our relationship. Due to his battle with drugs it never really worked. His sobriety was short lived and all I would hear is "He doing good" when I would ask my family how my father was doing. Good I thought. Then why hasn't he called? Of course that was all a lie. And I think the reason he continue to dig himself a deeper whole, but I digress.

My father continued to battle with drugs for most of my childhood into my adult life. I have seen what abuse and neglect can do to a family. The pain hurts more than the user. The forgotten victims are the children.

Birthdays gone, no phone calls, broken promises and decade of tears. That is my life. Most people do not know this because I refused to allow others bad choices to become mine own. I was going to break the curse. And I did! Bless the LORD! I had years and years of healing and that journey will never end.

As for my father he is sober now. He has been clean for a year and for the first time in my life he is present. I mean fully aware, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Why father's are important? At 32 I can call my father and talk about relationships. I can tell him about my job and ask what should I do. Catch up on what GOD is doing in his life and gaining strength knowing how much I have helped him. I now know I can be a LOVING, warm, nurturing wife because I restored the relationship with my father. I thank GOD for this, because I know it was not my fathers doing nor my own. It was my heavenly father who joined us together.

My Type

After talking to my sister I realized that I don't really have a "type" of guy that I am into. For me it is about feeling, although I have not always seen it that away. Before I began studying Deepak Chopra's work I always felt I was crazy for not having a "type". How many times have you heard someone say my type of guy or women is________. Logically it makes sense because then the person would have an image in their heads of what they are looking for. The problem arises when that image does not exist. Would if this made up person only exist in our head?

That's the reason I stopped thinking that I am supposed to have a type. I am so different from the rest of the world, but like most people I fight so hard to fit in. I have learned two things. One, I do not fit in and two, I am not supposed to. The latter is a totally different blog in itself. Anyways, when I let go of this image in my head I was set free. The image in our heads is what keeps us comfortable, believing someone out their who is 6'11 with brown eyes, muscle chest, dark tone, LOVES Chinese food and volunteers for the children shelter on the weekend is at his house right now waiting for me. This is damaging to the soul. If we hold on to this illusion of said person, we will miss other opportunities that come into our lives.

Now when I meet men I realize that I am drawn to certain types more than others. Men who are older. Usually I meet men that are younger than I am and they are interested in me. I find myself not feeling the same. I instantly think, he will play games, or he has so much to learn about life. Wait, did he just say his favorite rapper is Waka Flocka Flame? I LOVE Waka Flocka, I am not a hip-hop snob. I have grown past that stage in my life. My point is if that is his idol he has to be like what, 24? That means when I was graduating from high school, he was graduating from 4th grade. Not a good look.

Being open I give these said younger guys a try. Things start out great and then boom, we are arguing over the roles a man and women ought to have in a relationship. He listens to 90% rap and 10% r&b, while I am 50% r&b and 40% rap and 10% everything else.

Now music maybe petty to some but that is a deal breaker for me. I always tell people the reason I am still a virgin is because I have not met a brother who knew what music to play to set the mood. Music is my life.

My soul craves a man who is seasoned. A man who knows who he is and comfortable in that space. Being comfortable is bigger than confidence, for example if I feel like my outfit does not look great I may not feel very confident in myself. Because I know who I am my spirit still shines through.

I have learned that while I am open to younger men, I prefer older men. I don't want a man who cares what his friends think of me being a big girl. I am ready to meet a man who has his own agenda and ready to make me apart of it. No games, and ready for a REAL friendship. Yes, there are plenty of older men who still have to grow in this area also. I know that. My point is that the risk is much greater when they are younger.

So do you find yourself liking a certain type of person? Are you open to anyone? Please comment and let me know.

Simply Redeemed

Why I LOVE Being a Black Woman!

Being a black women means many things to me. It means strength, character, pain, shame, LOVE and so much more. Reflecting on my ancestors I think of my pain. I think of heartache and betrail. Being sold at a cheap price, and seen as only a baby machine. No wonder I still struggle with my body image to this day. Finally seeing my body as a temple. Scarced. Beautiful. Embracing my seductive curves and voluptuous breast. I LOVE being a black women because of my distinct features that separates from the rest. Main stream media is just catching up to what black women have known for years. Having a big butt is sexy as hell! Go into inner city communities and black women through out the hood has big butts. Full lips, and round hips. Yes honey, full figured and all looking fly! That's me! I LOVE the sis with the natural fro and the sister with the perm. What I LOVE about being a black women is my hair. The corn rows, micro-braids, twist, Afro, blow out, you name it! I won't let anyone put me in a box. Being a black women is not limited to one "type" of women. We are far to complex for that! From the sista who will cuss you smooth out, to the sister who will pray for you,to the sister who will cuss you out and then pray for you, ha! See there is no right or wrong, just different ways of expression. My inspiration comes from women who look like me. When I watch t.v. I get excited when I see a black women featured on a show. I have pride! That is my sister. Being a black women means I come from a community of people who is my family. My compassion shows no bounds. LOVING hard, and harder. As a black women I have seen alot. Through my pain I have learned to LOVE. Like the LOVE of my grandmother who raised my siblings and I because my mother was not going to have us raised any kind of way. Or the LOVE of Ms. J who knew my home situation and took my sister and I in. She would take us shopping and talked to me about the importance of college. See black women built colleges in this country. Being an educator is in my blood. I LOVE being a black women because of my culture. Soul music, candy yams, and the black church. Listening to the pastor give a heart felt message and the whole church jumping on their feet. To the choir singing your hearts song where all you want to do is shout! Yes, that's me! Expressing my LOVE for my GOD and not afraid who sees me! I come from a history of black women who LOVE their GOD! Why I LOVE being a black woman is because I have pride in my rich heritage. The stories told and untold. To see examples in myself of black women who lived thousand years ago. That gives me confidence I can't explain. I was born to succeed. I was born to LOVE. I was born to teach. I was born to nurture. It is in me! It's my legacy! I thank GOD I was born a black woman. I say that as humble as I know how. I LOVE my carmel complexion and my flat nose. I have no hang ups. I LOVE being a black woman!

*The photo is Ida B. Wells

Race For The Cure

This year was my first time participating in Susan G. Komen's Race For The Cure. It has been a dream of mine for several years. Every time I see an advertisement I tell myself I am going to go. But I never do it. Then one day while riding on the train I noticed an advertisement that said Race for the Cure in Washington DC June 5,2010. I was so excited because I told myself this time I am going to go. At a family dinner party my cousin asked when is the race for the cure in DC? I remembered seeing the ad while riding on the train and said "June 5th I believe". She went on to say her job will pay for family members who want to participate. Her sister and I gladly said we want to join the cause. I would LOVE to I said. That was two weeks before the race.


When Saturday came I did not know what to expect. I do not like driving in D.C. because I am still learning the area. So I hopped on the train. Where I board the train it is the second stop on what is called the blue line. When the train arrived there where people already standing, holding on to the rails. The train was packed with people wearing pink and white t-shirts. Yes, everyone was going to DC to participate in Race for The Cure. I could not believe it. At 6:30 am all these people are on the train? Uncomfortable and frustrated I pushed my way on the train. The next train did not come until 19 mins. I was not in the mood to wait, so I decided to ride. For 30-45 min on the train I stood up! I bonded with other passengers who asked me is this my first time in the race. I told them yes, and it will not be my last. Rocking back and forth, bumping into everyone within 5ft of me I was glad to get off at my destination. I met my cousins at Archives-Navy memorial station, from there we would participate in Race for the Cure for the very first time.


As we walked to 7th and Connecticut Ave the race had just begun. My cousin called her co-workers and we met them there. We jumped in and started the race with all the other participants. The crowd was filled with joggers, runners, and walkers. There were signs from different organizations and people on the side line cheering us on. There was a band who played motivation music and two participates joined in and played too. It was funny seeing these two older women dancing and playing their instruments with the band. My cousin laughed at how the two women were on beat and everything. By the time we left that area we just finished a mile! I was like just a mile?


After 2 miles I was ready to sit down. My whole body was sore and all I can think of was my bed. As the crowd and I were heading toward the 3 mile mark, which is the finish line I could not help but be taken back by the moment. Looking around and seeing all these pink t-shirts worn by breast cancer survivors. I realized that this walk was life changing. I did it for them. And I will do it again and again for them! As I passed the finish line I was over come with emotion. I did not cry until I seen my cousin's co-worker break down into tears. She was a breast cancer survivor. This race was more than a charity even for her. I cried too. I remembered reading the t-shirts of family members of victims who lost their lives to breast cancer. I remember one little girl who looked about 4 years old and her shirt read "I am doing this for granny". In that moment I began to thank GOD for my health. For my life. For family. For friends new and old. For this was a day I would never forget. I was apart of something, that was bigger than me.

I HATE Dating

Ok, I am not a dater. This is odd being that I enjoy interacting with people. Going on random dates with different men is not my thing. I have always known this about myself. I know there are people who have found peace with dating because they have learned to "play the game". But that is where my problem lies, in the games. Don't get me wrong I get that dating is a game. We have to play to win. Right now I feel like the score is, me 0 and the game 10. I am getting blown out! I am drained and all I want to do is focus less on dating and more on my career. I am just keeping it 100%.

The purpose of dating is getting to know the other person. This is the beauty of it because I LOVE meeting new people. But what happens when you find out that the person never was really single like he said? Or when the person is never available to talk to you and get to know you better? My thing is if a guy is in a relationship say so, duh! If the person does not want a serious relationship express that so everyone is on the same page. Why go through all the drama of asking for my number and going out of your way to get my attention if you were never interested in the first place? See I learned from a minister I had years ago about being upfront when meeting someone. He said never lie about being interested in a man or give him a fake number. If you like him, give him your number. If you are not into him kindly turn him down because that is best practice. I wish everyone felt this way.

Dating would not be such a tough thing for me if people did not play the games. Like, I don't want to call because I don't want to appear disparate. If I am interested in a guy I will call. I LOVE connections so having to play the two day until I call him game is annoying to me. I want us to be so comfortable with each other that there is no issue of who calls first, second, three hundred times whatever. Then having to wait for the call back, wondering if he likes me too is draining. I LOVE men who are forward and just says, I am interested in you. If I like a guy and he is not into me I am a big girl I can handle it. But I can't handle the games. When we talk you think I am great, but your actions don't support that truth.

So for me I just chill out with my fam and friends. Praying to meet a guy who feels like me. Being friends is a blessing, lets hang out and get to know each other better. No pressure of dating, just two people enjoying each others company. Until I am married I want to enjoy having friends and freedom of having great men in my life. Why does everything have to be either a romantic relationship or nothing at all? Don't the best relationships come from friendships anyway? What about you, are you a fan of dating?

BIG GIRL IN A small MINDED WORLD

I am fat. I have been fat my whole life. Every time I say this to someone I know they say "no your not you just have large breast". Why is it hard for most people to admit that they are fat? I am embracing this truth today. In order for me to make a break through with my weight loss I have to fully accept me for who I am. This is challenging living in a world that wants you to shrink by the idea of embracing being fat. The myth is that being fat means hiding at home all day afraid to leave your home. It means eating everything all day non stop. Being fat means being unhealthy. What is the most hurtful for me is that being fat means you are not attractive. So the chances of me meeting a man that I find attractive and he feels the same about me is rare. The thing is being fat is no longer an issue for me. My issue is how the world responds to me being a fat person.

The first thing a person thinks about when concerning a fat person is their health. This is a valid concern. I am concerned about my health too. Being skinny does not equal healthy. Being skinny just means, being skinny LMBO! Is 50 cent healthy after losing 54lbs in 9 weeks? NO! But he is skinny. A persons health is not necessarily related to their weight. I am pro-health. I have lost 16lbs this year sense I started my weight loss challenge months ago. My purpose is to have a healthy self-image that will influence better habits. Having a healthy self-image is what leads to a healthier lifestyle. If I feel good about who I am right now, my future will be that much greater. But if I hold on to the idea that skinny equals better I will be fighting a losing battle my whole life. And so will anyone else striving to come to peace with being big in a small minded world.

In Essence magazine years ago there was a poll given on the amount of black men who date big women. You may or may not be surprised by the result. According to the poll only 5% of black men date big women. Only 5%? DAMN!!! I am supportive of choices and having the courage to date who our heart desires. Reading this broke my heart. It is already said that there is a black man shortage, now only 5% of of that male shortage are going to want me. Okay, so that is actually funny. My point is that big women are not desirable. We are grouped together as asexual and looked at as friends, Aunts, and so forth. This small minded outlook is what keeps me single. Yes, I want to lose weight but I am fat now! When going out I already tell myself he will not like me because I am fat. I know what we think will manifest in our life. I am not thinking negatively, I am being real. Do I physic myself out sometimes? Yes! But I actually want to be proven wrong in this case:) Of course I know that there are men who LOVE big girls. GOD bless them, but that does not change the fact that most men are not attracted to big women. Being judged for what you look like and not who you are is a constant complaint from women about men. The only answer I get is that men are shallow. So I am supposed to accept him for who he is, but I have to lose 30 lbs for him to ask me on a date. This is very small minded. I want someone to LOVE me at my worst or he will not deserve my best.

In society to be fat, plus size, or consider a big person is negative. I mean who wants to be fat? There are limited images supporting beautiful women of different body types when looking on t.v, magazines, and in Hollywood. The media is an easy target. What about our neighbors, our friends? This is what society does not want to admit. We live in a weight phobia society. Weight ism is just as powerful as racism, sexism, or any other ism. The fat person is always laughed at. Insecure women find fat women as easy bait. The criticism is high among women who obviously have issues within themselves. When a women calls a women fat who looks just like her I am confused. That is what it means to have bad body imagine. It's deeper than being fat! It is years and years of being told you have to loose 20 lbs for this or that. It's being told in elementary school that your smaller friend looks better than you. It's getting stares when you go out. It's the fat girl jokes by people who say they are your friends.

In order for a women to embrace the idea of being fat that means she has to have the courage to go against the grain. To embrace who she is, even if only 5% of the black men in the world agrees. There comes a time in every grown women's life that she has to greet herself at her own mirror. Not the world's. Having the courage to say I am fat. Stop beating everyone to the punch with criticism of your weight so you won't be hurt or embarrassed. Tell someone that it hurts when they are critical of people who are fat, and to grow up! If we are going to have a healthy self-image we have to make sure the people around us reflect what that is. Being a big girl in a small minded world is a constant reminder of that I am fat. Instead of allowing that truth to make me feel inferior, I now use it as a strength. I am who I am. LOVE me or leave me alone!