The Incurable Romantic

The mystery of the romantic: who are we? The Romantics or also called The Lover have been defined as people who live on their own terms. Think Amy Winehouse. We long to be loved and we have a yearning for connection. Romantics have a tough time finding their way due to being overwhelmed with emotions, deep emotions that make them vulnerable to heartbreak. Romantics are mostly known as artist, writers, musicians, dancers, and entertainers who create through heartbreak, passion, a longing for a soul mate, and a place to call home. Lovers see themselves as special and different from the rest of the world. We recognize that the world is dark and we enjoy people, the ones who will gladly bring light! That light comes in the form of love, and of course us romantics love, love, love, the art of love.

The knight and shining armor is the type of man I have longed for since I was a little girl. My deepest secret was I wanted to be rescued. When I turn 18, I would say to myself at 8 years old; my soul mate will come and take me to a place where I would hurt no more. What many don’t know about romantics is that they have troubled childhoods. They have been abandoned by their parents as children. Romantics have been abandoned in many forms by a parent or guardian who has either over worked, emotionally unavailable, or in my case literally abandoned them. The loss of the parent leaves the romantic feeling hopeless, pining for a lost connection that has been missing as long as they have been alive (Sandra Maitri). The pain engulfs you. Not feeling good enough haunts you. Why did my mom and dad leave me? Wasn’t I worthy to be loved? I have asked that question many of times. A romantic may spend their whole lifetime trying to fill that void. A void that can be filled by accepting the Self as you are, which is a constant struggle for a romantic. I am an idealist, believing I have to be perfect. In my head I have to be this perfect image and sabotaging my love life in the process. I long and want to be in love so bad, but will not enter a relationship until I “fix” my flaws. The suffering is what we know and often what we cling to! And numbing the pain by shopping, sex, over pleasing, isolation, drugs, and foods especially sweets. To become whole the romantic must accept that they are human and it’s okay to have flaws like everyone else! That we like everyone else deserves to be loved too.

Toni Wolf, a Freudian analyst came up with the feminine types of women. These many archetypes help look at the romantic at a deeper level. I am Aphrodite; Goddess of love and Hetaria; Women who were educated to be psychological companions to men. The Hetaria is able to see into the soul and depths of a man and not the social personality. Some definitions see the Hetaria as a prostitute when she was a lover. These archetypes are said to express their femininity with beauty, hair, clothes, enjoying life to the fullest, fine dining and of course, men! Like Hetaria and Aphrodite I identify with my feminine side and that is how I express myself in the world. I love the idea of love. I love the feeling of love. I love life! I am very sensitive, vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am bold, passionate and live on my own terms. I am no longer afraid to express fear, sadness and loneliness, for I am all of these things. I live for Sex and The City reruns. I am an avid romantic comedy fan but also love gangster/mob/street themed movies and TV shows. Through dark I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I always believe in a better day. Drowning in sorrow, that’s the only way to get me to the next day, hell, the next moment! People don’t get us. You need to be realistic they say. There is no such thing as unconditional love. Well, after all the heartache the romantic has endured and can still believe, then surely you can too.

Music Mondays: Luther Vandross - Anyone Who Had a Heart.

“Anyone who had a heart/ Would take me in her arms/ And love me too”. I heard those lyrics when I was around 8 or 9 years old. I found an old tape that my Grandparents owned and I was going to put paper inside the wholes at the top and record over it. Y’all remember recording over your parents tapes? I am still paying them back for it. Well, I pushed play and I heard a sweet voice; it was Luther Vandross! It was love at first sound. What touched me as a child were love songs, lyrics of love, pain, longing, yearning, and joy. What I now understand is that is the heart of a romantic. Romantic or The Lover, I was too young to understand this pull on my subconscious, but there I was listening to this sad love song. It reminded me of my personal life. How could my parents say they love me and leave? “You couldn’t really have a heart and hurt me like you hurt me and be so untrue”, as Lutha says. So the longing began. The need to be recused and fantasy flooded my mind of a better day and the perfect love. Love songs allowed me to escape a deeply emotional, scared, sad, and abandoned childhood. Of course I had wonderful Grandparents who raised me and I wouldn’t change my life experience for the world. But that’s not what this is about. This is the truth. My love story, not censored. My love story is a story about pain and redemption; to be whole, broken, and whole again.

To understand the life of the romantic you have to first go into their childhood. You have to look at the lover’s first heart break, the feeling of loss and despair. How could someone who loves love be so sad? It’s the complexity of the romantic. But also a beautiful reflection of life itself! To fully love life we have to learn to embrace both good and bad. To be fulfilled as human beings we must see our dark/shadow and light within ourselves. Being able to accept this paradox is what makes us whole!

When you listen to “Anyone Who Has a Heart” you enter the life of a true romantic. “Knowing I love you so” Luther sings. To still love and commit to a relationship that is damaging to your soul. To be able to let go, a constant struggle for the romantic! The hurt and abandoned that sums up the lyrics at the end of the song, “No one is going to make you feel the way I do”. My goodness… Below is one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite singers. Enjoy!